"My Uncle Bob lost an eye in WWII. The government gave him a beautiful brown glass eye. It matched Uncle Bob's real eye perfectly. I used to tell Uncle Bob "Hell Uncle Bob you can't tell that it's not real". Of course you could tell it wasn't real because it never moved. Remember how Sammy Davis Jr.'s eye would never move? Well Uncle Bob's was the same way. I think it made Uncle Bob feel better when I would tell him that you couldn't tell it from his real eye. Uncle Bob loved to drink. He said it was because of the war and all the terrible things he saw there plus losing his eye and all. The guys at the bar where Uncle Bob would go to drink used to tease him and call him names like "You one-eyed bastard" and names such as that. Uncle Bob would come home drunk and say how much he hated that damn glass eye because it didn't look real and the damn government gave him the cheapest damn glass eye you could get. That's when I would speak up and tell Uncle Bob that his eye did look real and those guys at the bar were a bunch of assholes and he shouldn't hang out with them any more. Uncle Bob finally drank himself to death and he wanted to be cremated so that's what we did. Uncle Bob's will was read and boy was I surprised when the lawyer said that Uncle Bob left his glass eye to me. He said something like "Since you like my damn glass eye so much and think it looks so damn real...here it is!" I was stunned. I kept the glass eye in the top drawer of my chest-of-drawers right next to my condoms. One night my girlfriend went to the drawer to get a condom and damn near had a fatal heart attack. I love Uncle Bob and all that, but my girlfriend said that if I don't get rid of that damn glass eye I would never get sex again! Well, what the hell do you do with a used glass eye?"
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