Silent Hill, AKA Pedophile Paradise

Okay, now that I have Langdon Alger's attention, I'd like to do my very first MOVIE REVIEW for all my fans. Since I am fully aware of the value all of you place on my opinion, this should be a great service to you, as it may keep you from spending your meager paychecks on films that are less fit for consumption than the gobs of butter-flavored popcorn topping that are slowly but surely clogging your arteries and choking you into a premature death. To make my review easier to decipher (especially for those who just feel like scrolling to the bottom to see the final verdict), I've devised a ratings system that is absolutely ironclad. Ignore it at your own peril.

Two Hooks Up = See this movie RIGHT NOW, and punch your girlfriend if she doesn't want to.

One Hook Up = Wait for a matinee or a DVD rental. Then punch your girlfriend.

Two Hooks Down = DO NOT see this movie under any circumstances. If you already have, commit suicide immediately.

Following along? Terrific. Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to receive a free rental coupon from my local Hollywood Video. Not being one to turn down a free anything, I put it to good use. So no, I didn't spend a single nickel to bring you this review. But my TIME is extremely valuable. I mean, why spend two hours of my life watching a rented movie when I could spend it watching something else? But I digress.

The movie I chose was Silent Hill, the 2006 feature based on the classic video game that was so bloodcurdlingly terrifying that I never bothered to play it (of course, I might be persuaded to give it a try with a free coupon; I'm looking at you, Hollywood Video).

Silent Hill begins with a 12 year-old girl on the edge of a cliff screaming at the top of her lungs about a place called - wouldn't you know it - Silent Hill. Upon seeing her, you instantly notice two things: she is remarkably cute, and a remarkably bad actress. Over the next 126 minutes, a bone-chilling tale of inhuman torture, twisted nightmare creatures and grisly retribution unfolds. As the horror grows and the ghastly secrets of the town are untangled, you are invariably drawn back to one single-minded conclusion: that little girl is REALLY cute.

I don't mean to sound like some perverted degenerate or something, but I'm talking fresh-out-of-the-dryer stuffed animal cute here. This is puppy-in-a-rainstorm territory we're in. And in a huge chunk of adorable irony, my future daughter keeps your eyes firmly fixed on the film while simultaneously neutralizing all of the scares that might come from it.

The reason for this is because this little girl (let's call her "Silent Hill Girl" because I can't remember her name) plays a duel role in the story (SPOILER ALERT). Her first character is sweet, wholesome and innocent; her second is a wicked, brutal spirit- the devil incarnate. Her skin is pale, her eyes are wide and demonic and her tattered clothes are soaked in gore. And dammit if she isn't even MORE cuddly than ever.

Sure, I've always been strangely drawn to hideous characters with filthy, matted hair and grimy teeth (why else do you think I hang out with Freefall Jones?), but now I have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE to back my outrageous claims. See for yourself the paradox of Silent Hill girl:

Cute...



















CUTER!!!










Cute...













CUTER!!!















Cute...













CUTER!!!



















Aw, isn't that precious? She's all crucified 'n stuff.


















See what I mean????? I AM NOT A FREAK. SHUT UP! Back to the movie. My whole point is that while watching Silent Hill, you can't bring yourself to turn away from the screen, but not because you're paralyzed with fear or frozen in suspense. It's because you just want to pick up this delightful little demon child and push her on a swing, or buy her a 4-piece Chicken McNugget with barbecue sauce, or take her to see The Lion King On Ice - front row center. Sure, she might shank your nutsack with flying barbed wire now and again, but kids will be kids. Didn't we all act up a little when we were young?

As for the rest of the film? Oh yeah, there's a bunch of monsters and fog and things. In conclusion, I give Silent Hill three-and-half stars or whatever kind of symbols I was using. If you have a free rental coupon, it's well worth it. So until next time, I'm Son of Gigan, and I'll see YOU in the "Special Interest" section.