A Moment of Clarity

I finally found out what R.S.V.P stands for. I know its meaning has been a mystery that has tortured most of us, especially Freefall Jones, for generations. But as usual, I was the one to step up at and sort things out, leaving the exact definition of R.S.V.P up to my powers of T.C.B. Apparently, R.S.V.P stands for "Respondez Sil Vous Plait," a French term meaning "Please Respond." So when you get a letter with "R.S.V.P" on it, it means that the sender wants you to write back.

It was a bit of a shock to find that out this week. It's not as if I thought that R.S.V.P didn't have a meaning, and that people simply placed the acronym on their letters for a cosmopolitan effect; I'm not an idiot. It's just that "Respondez Sil Vous Plait" is a far cry from what I thought the term actually stood for. Up until two days ago I believed, as I'm sure all of you did, that R.S.V.P meant one thing: Reserve Parking.

I mean, what else could it stand for? It fits perfectly. Of course, now that I think about it, I probably caused a bit of confusion when I'd get letters ending with R.S.V.P, and respond with:

"Cool! I'll take one right in front, preferably in the shade. Like full-size but I can do compact. And put me by a curb so I'm not in between anyone."

No one bothered to write back clarifying this to me, so am I the one with the problem? I think we all know the answer to that. It's no.

Maybe the fact that I didn't get ANY of the parking spots I asked for at ANY of the events I was invited to should've tipped me off that R.S.V.P may have stood for something else. But each time I was so frustrated with my long walk to the gathering point, that I had no choice but to confront the person who invited me, usually a bride or groom, and say, "Some R.S.V.P! Now I'm stuck in the overflow! If you're not going to enforce it don't put it on the invitation!" before angrily trudging to the refreshments table. Again, no one even tried for a second to explain things to me, so is it my fault that I caused a few scenes, and in one unfortunate incident poured a bottle of Snapple on the bride-to-be's head? We know the answer to that one too. It's still no.

So last Wednesday at work, I decided to warm up for my lunch break by researching R.S.V.P on the Internet. Not because I wasn't sure what it stood for, but because I wanted to know why no one who used the term ever went out of their way to save your parking spot after clearly saying they would. Was there supposed to be an extra "P" at the end that stood for "PSYCHE!!!"? If so, that would definitely be what the kids call "jacked up."

And so I stumbled onto "Respondez Sil Vous Plait." Surely the 475,000 matching results had to be incorrect, so I cooled off after my lunch break by diligently researching the acronym's origins. I won't go into them, but I'm sad to announce that we'll all have to fight our conventional wisdom and finally admit that R.S.V.P has nothing to do with parking.

Another thing I won't go into is the absolute absurdity of writing a letter completely in English before closing it with a French acronym. This is the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE. And in AMERICA we speak the QUEEN'S ENGLISH. Love it or leave it, hippies. USA ALL THE WAY, BROTHER.

But I digress. Wait, am I really digressing? I'll have to look that up too. But I'm glad I could do all of you this favor. Right now there are countless numbers of people who will no longer be late for invitational events thinking they have the most convenient parking spots all locked up, all because of my determination to uncover the truth about those four crazy letters that have bedevilled humankind for so long. I will sleep well tonight. You should too. Just not as well as me.

Oh yeah: R.S.V.P