99 Answers for Seinfeld

follow-up to this

I Got 99 Problems (But Kramer Ain't One)

"Seinfeld was the ultimate show for water cooler conversations. With a countless number of inside jokes, nicknames, characters, and story lines, it didn’t take long for the show to develop it’s very own social language. Now, thanks to Kiersten Essenpreis, we have a beautiful painting depicting a massive, heaping pile of these references (99 to be exact)."

Tales From The Office: 4th floor Bathroom

Wipe your Ass with Dick! (no homo)

Tales From The Office: The Coffee Machine vs The Noob

Tales from the office returns with a special report from the break room.

As I was getting my fix of green tea in the 4^th floor kitchen, there was a rather large gentleman near the coffee machine. In an effort to go green, our company eliminated the regular sized plastic water/coffee cups and replaced them with flimsy paper cups 2/3rds the size of a regular shot glass.

This was done to reduce waste and encourage employees to bring their own coffee mugs, jugs, bottled water, etc. The slight downside is when employees would bring in a parched client and would constantly have to refill the puny paper cup to quench their thirst.

So, back to the fat dude trying to get coffee. The smallest size for a cup of coffee is 8 oz and it takes a couple minutes for the coffee to pour. With the small cup in hand, he was anticipating the coffee to be poured and I just had to speak up.

“It’s gonna take a couple minutes… you might want to place the cup in the center, cuz you don’t wanna burn your hand from the scalding hot coffee.”

Luckily, he placed the cup in the right spot, but it still over flowed. There was coffee spilled all over the coffee machine and on the kitchen floor. The doofus still burned his hand when he picked up the thin paper cup. I had to leave cuz I couldn’t hold in my laughter any longer.

After retelling the story to Ranguden, he asked “did he just look stupid or what?”

Studio Pictures

First I find my old astronaut pen, now I find a box full of pictures from the 90's. Before these pictures meet my zippo, I must ask, do kids still go out and get studio pics? Do they pick out an outfit that they can't wear again (cuz it will forever be immortalized in their studio pic), assemble a group of their closest homies and get their picture taken at the mall? I'm not talking about going all-out like glamour shots, cuz that's a few steps below some Barbizon ish. I have younger cousins and the only group pictures I've seen are from school dances, where there are like 40 to 50 high schoolers in a group picture.

(The faces have been disguised to protect those guilty of bad fashion)

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(They even had the same handwriting style)

Design Corner: Pick a card, any card

(a little something to listen to while you read this post)

As I mentioned in a previous post, famed photographer/director Estevan Oriol released a 2009 calendar showcasing his photography skills with L.A. Women. This time around, He released a deck of playing cards. Each card depicts a unique photograph of L.A. life and beyond.

The Card Cover:

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Spades:

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Diamonds:

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Clovers:


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Hearts:


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Jokers:

Design Corner: The Art of Obama

There's an interesting article in the latest issue of Giant Robot about the artistic contributions to the Barrack Obama campaign. Some of the artists mentioned are Shepard Fairey, David Choe, Morning Breath, Date Farmers, Ron English, Sam Flores and more. You may have seem their work on t-shirts at Urban Outfitter, wheat pasted across your city, or on stickers around the office (there were a bunch in the hallway where myself and Langdon work). Here are a few samples:




This is the 2nd famous design for the Obama campaign done by Shepard Fairey (the first being the official 'O' logo by VSA Partners). What's interesting about this particular photo is that the Obama poster is right over a poster by Mear one. Shepard and Mear had beef a while ago (check the Supply and Demand book for details).

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I forgot where I read it, but someone mentioned originality not as being the first to do something, but as doing something that no one else can duplicate. No one is even coming close to David Choe's style.

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I believe I saw the original painting at 111 Minna last month. It was huge (that's what she said). I remember seeing Ron English liberating billboards and then noticed his artwork featured in the film Super Size Me.

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Spider-Man X Obama, 'nuff said

Signs around town

Stop sign at my old elementary school

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So my barber moved out of my town because rent was too high. She told me by the time I needed a new trim that they should be fully operational in Old Town Pinole. Today was the day I needed a cut, so I drove around Pinole looking for their new shop. I encountered this establishment a block away:

Apparently, this place has been around since 1964 and I have never heard of it. Blackie was the nickname of the original owner.

Art & Design Corner: Awesome Title Edition

I often browse through my local bookstores looking for the latest in art and design books. On one such trip to Borders in E-ville, I came across this book with quite possibly the best title on the subject of typography.

seriously though, what the hell was the author thinking with a title like that?

Tales From The Office: Office Supplies

Question: What's the number one office supply that employees steal?
Answer: I don't know, but I've taken my fair share of post-its, notepads, folders, staplers, staples, staple removers, markers and pens (don't leave me around your cubicle). Sometimes when I'm writing down possible blog topics in my bed, I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work. It is quite an annoyance. I wish there was a pen designed to specifically remedy that problem.

My wish came true.

Last night while I was organizing supplies in my home studio, I came across an old sketchbook from my college days. Trapped in the spiral binding was a pen given to me from my parent's neighbor while visiting them in Florida a while back. He was writing my father a check from last night's dinner and was showing off his pen. I asked him where he got it and he said it was a gift. I admired it so much that he practically begged me to take his pen. So I did.

I now show to you in all it's glory The Astronaut Pen:

It even writes upside-down and the astronauts use it (in space).

Everything I Am and Brigidope

¡Feliz Año Nuevo YODC!

Taco's Tuesdays is just a few days away, but for now I'm gonna hit you with a new feature called Bloggin Bout Blogs. It will basically be some recommended blogs (and other websites) I've come across. First up are a couple blogs from the homies Rolsuno and DJ Brigidope.

Everything I Am started in September, but Rolsuno had another blog before that. A change had to be made, but let's hope some of those old entries get re-upped. The King of the Sunset gets quite personal on the ups and downs of his life in 2008. A few topics he tackles are work, women, relationships and a whole lot of music and the role it plays in his life. He even will break you off with a few keystyles (typed-out freestyles). He pretty much says exactly what's on his mind and he doesn't press the delete button.

Whether you need to listen to a dj get down at a club/lounge or need some headphone bumpage, DJ Brigidope gots you covered. Hailing from Oakland, Brigidope has rocked clubs around the Bay by himself and with fellow members of the dj collective Amazing Zoo Crew. He even dabbles in graphic design, as seen on the covers for his free downloadable mixes featured on his blog. Do yourself a favor and burn that wintersoulstice mix and put that shit on repeat the next time you're on a date.

Oh wait, nobody who reads this blog has ever been on a date. Bump that 5k08 mix next time you're surfing the net or playing videogames.

Kid Socialite

so, any of you guys on facebook?

Will the Thrill

See more Will Arnett videos at Funny or Die

2009 Calendars

With 2009 right around the corner, famed photographer Estevan Oriol released his calendar titled LA Women. Here is the trailer:

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I picked up my copy at the Upper Playground flagship store on Fillmore. Being a huge fan of his photography, it was a bargain to obtain a sample of his work. I just wish he included his infamous b/w WEST COAST photo:

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So, what 2009 calendars is everyone else gonna snatch up?

Who's Gonna Save My Soul?

The latest Gnarles Barkley video, dedicated to anyone who has ever dumped someone or been dumped by someone... which is most likely no one who reads this blog, cuz let's face it, none of y'all have ever been in a real relationship!

*ZING*

Sight & Sound

(turn your speakers up for this one)

Birthday Girl feat. YODC

This was supposed to be the lead single for the eighth studio album by The Roots, but was scrapped off the album because it sounds like a 311 song. Starring porn star Sasha Grey and featuring the vocal stylings of Patrick Stump of Fallout Boy fame, the video also has cameos of the YODC crew. At the 1:09 mark, Freefall Jones (the Cyclops of YODC) enters the scene. Behind him, Guillermo Paco Castro Jimenez DeLaSantos Reyes, Jr. makes his triumphant return from Mexico. At 1:34, Tsuji Eriku (wearing his lucky baby blue polo from Jr. High... and a wig) enters with a gift in hand for Ms. Grey. Following him is Terrence Maddox and a bearded Langdon Alger. Each eagerly waits to give their gift to the birthday girl.

¡¡¡ Happy Mother's Day !!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo to me!

I came into work today expecting the traffic desk to be decorated with balloons, streamers, sombreros and piñatas with a nice card signed by every member of the news department, but instead I found a barren wasteland of a desk waiting for me. "It's still early, they'll probably have something in the break room before I leave."

HOW ABOUT NO.


After trabajo, I headed out to Chevy's to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, that as far as the rest of my co-workers and blogger "amigos" was concerned, never existed.

Screw you putas!

Sucka Free Torch Relay Protests

Chinese supporting Willie Mays

SAN FRANCISCO, April 9, 2008 — The San Francisco leg of the Olympic Torch Relay hit a snag when large amounts of supporters and protesters came out in full force to let their opinions be heard. While the original starting point of the relay was AT&T Park, Mayor Newsom, and Police Chief Fong decided to go with their contingency plan to reroute the relay to avoid all those "Crazy Muthafuckas."

"Once we saw all those Asians at AT&T Park, we knew we had to switch things up," proclaimed Mayor Newsom. "I haven't seen so many Asians at the ballpark since Free Bat Day when we still had Balco Bonds on the squad. Besides, SFPD sorta sucks. I mean, c'mon, did you really think we were gonna telegraph our moves for the torch relay? Really? Reeealllly? C'mon, really? Bitch please! Do you know who the fuck I am? Beeeitch, I'm Gavin aka LL Cool G."

Many people there to witness the torch relay, and not represent any pro or anti China sentiments, were clearly pissed off with the reroute of the torch. A local photographer who wished to be nameless, exclaimed his dismay of the reroute.

"I get off work hella early and wanted to see some DRAMA!" he said. "I had my camera ready and the torchbearer bitched out. Gavin bitched out. Fong bitched out. Punk-bitch-ass-ness is running rampant and I cannot take it anymore...and... and I think I got SARS or that bird flu or some shit, cuz I've been feeling like crap since being all up in the mix of those crowds."

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SFPD doing what they do best: Sucking

"Many of my cousins, and aunts and uncles and friends were out there supporting the relay and talkin' shit to the Pro-Tibetans" said Chief Fong. "They hella cwazy! My cousin Wang Ling Fong always likes to stir up shit. He'll go yakuza all up in that ass, and he ain't even Japanese. Sheeeeeit, he ain't even J-Pop!"

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Chief Fong's cousin Wang violently pointing at a group of Tibetans

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Pro-Tibetans mean mugging Wang

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Wang's posse: "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! HaHa ASDLdflkjgSLDK!! Suck on that!"

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While the protests leading up to the relay attracted celebrities Richard Gere and Desmond Tutu, they were nowhere to be found on the actual day of the torch relay. It was later revealed that the star of such films as Unfaithful, Chicago, and The Mothman Prophecies had overslept the day of the event. He was later spotted at a local pet store in the gerbil aisle. PETA was not available for comment.

New York celebrity superhero Spider-Man swung by with Chinese flag in hand.

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While the majority of the crowd against China were Pro-Tibetans, other groups seized the opportunity to expose the evils of China's government. Groups that enlightened the situations at Darfur, Vietnam and our very own Golden State Warriors were at hand spreading the good word. Too bad none of them had any pamphlets to backup all their rants.

"I mean, Tim Hardaway is my favorite player. Why did he have to say those harmful words!?! exclaimed Trevor Smith, a young Golden State Warriors fan. Dude, the UTEP Two-Step... unfuckwittable! Even "The Glove" himself said that Timmy had the best killa cross-over in the game, better than A.I. I still gotta support my team regardless!"

Trevor and his little brother Bobby: Supporting Tibet and GSW

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Darfur heads rolling deep, like ants to a picnic.

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"I love the smell of napalm in the morning…It smells like…victory."

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After San Francisco, the only US city to host the torch, the relay continues to Argentina. Argentina officials have already begun on multiple torch relay routes to avoid all those crazy protesters.

In China, government officials warned against disruption of the relay as the torch reaches Tibet. "If someone dares to sabotage the torch relay in Tibet and its scaling of Mount Everest, we will seriously punish him and will not be soft handed," said Qiangba Puncog, governor of the Tibetan Autonomous Region. "I will personally bitch slap whoever dares to cause drama. I'll fucken... I'll fucken shit in yo mouth and youtube that shit... I'll fucken... I'll fucken... I'll fucken replace your bones with bamboo...then starve a fucken panda and have him eat you alive!"

(Random shots)

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"Gonnnggggg!" vs. "Mr. Snaggle Tooth"