Sucka Free Torch Relay Protests

Chinese supporting Willie Mays

SAN FRANCISCO, April 9, 2008 — The San Francisco leg of the Olympic Torch Relay hit a snag when large amounts of supporters and protesters came out in full force to let their opinions be heard. While the original starting point of the relay was AT&T Park, Mayor Newsom, and Police Chief Fong decided to go with their contingency plan to reroute the relay to avoid all those "Crazy Muthafuckas."

"Once we saw all those Asians at AT&T Park, we knew we had to switch things up," proclaimed Mayor Newsom. "I haven't seen so many Asians at the ballpark since Free Bat Day when we still had Balco Bonds on the squad. Besides, SFPD sorta sucks. I mean, c'mon, did you really think we were gonna telegraph our moves for the torch relay? Really? Reeealllly? C'mon, really? Bitch please! Do you know who the fuck I am? Beeeitch, I'm Gavin aka LL Cool G."

Many people there to witness the torch relay, and not represent any pro or anti China sentiments, were clearly pissed off with the reroute of the torch. A local photographer who wished to be nameless, exclaimed his dismay of the reroute.

"I get off work hella early and wanted to see some DRAMA!" he said. "I had my camera ready and the torchbearer bitched out. Gavin bitched out. Fong bitched out. Punk-bitch-ass-ness is running rampant and I cannot take it anymore...and... and I think I got SARS or that bird flu or some shit, cuz I've been feeling like crap since being all up in the mix of those crowds."

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SFPD doing what they do best: Sucking

"Many of my cousins, and aunts and uncles and friends were out there supporting the relay and talkin' shit to the Pro-Tibetans" said Chief Fong. "They hella cwazy! My cousin Wang Ling Fong always likes to stir up shit. He'll go yakuza all up in that ass, and he ain't even Japanese. Sheeeeeit, he ain't even J-Pop!"

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Chief Fong's cousin Wang violently pointing at a group of Tibetans

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Pro-Tibetans mean mugging Wang

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Wang's posse: "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! HaHa ASDLdflkjgSLDK!! Suck on that!"

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While the protests leading up to the relay attracted celebrities Richard Gere and Desmond Tutu, they were nowhere to be found on the actual day of the torch relay. It was later revealed that the star of such films as Unfaithful, Chicago, and The Mothman Prophecies had overslept the day of the event. He was later spotted at a local pet store in the gerbil aisle. PETA was not available for comment.

New York celebrity superhero Spider-Man swung by with Chinese flag in hand.

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While the majority of the crowd against China were Pro-Tibetans, other groups seized the opportunity to expose the evils of China's government. Groups that enlightened the situations at Darfur, Vietnam and our very own Golden State Warriors were at hand spreading the good word. Too bad none of them had any pamphlets to backup all their rants.

"I mean, Tim Hardaway is my favorite player. Why did he have to say those harmful words!?! exclaimed Trevor Smith, a young Golden State Warriors fan. Dude, the UTEP Two-Step... unfuckwittable! Even "The Glove" himself said that Timmy had the best killa cross-over in the game, better than A.I. I still gotta support my team regardless!"

Trevor and his little brother Bobby: Supporting Tibet and GSW

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Darfur heads rolling deep, like ants to a picnic.

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"I love the smell of napalm in the morning…It smells like…victory."

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After San Francisco, the only US city to host the torch, the relay continues to Argentina. Argentina officials have already begun on multiple torch relay routes to avoid all those crazy protesters.

In China, government officials warned against disruption of the relay as the torch reaches Tibet. "If someone dares to sabotage the torch relay in Tibet and its scaling of Mount Everest, we will seriously punish him and will not be soft handed," said Qiangba Puncog, governor of the Tibetan Autonomous Region. "I will personally bitch slap whoever dares to cause drama. I'll fucken... I'll fucken shit in yo mouth and youtube that shit... I'll fucken... I'll fucken... I'll fucken replace your bones with bamboo...then starve a fucken panda and have him eat you alive!"

(Random shots)

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"Gonnnggggg!" vs. "Mr. Snaggle Tooth"