What makes a REAL MAN? Is it bulging biceps, prodigious pecs, complete and total disdain for the smaller, weaker inhabitants of society and the ability and willingness to express it? Yes. There are other factors as well, such as chest hair, tan and knowledge of extreme combat sports. It’s really quite simple.
Unfortunately, it’s not simple to everyone. There are too many people walking the streets who wouldn’t know a REAL MAN if he walked right up and crushed their windpipes for looking at him funny. But the cure for such naivety has finally arrived and none too soon. Is there really someone MAN enough to decide who’s a REAL MAN and who isn’t? Yes, and it’s me.
So put your hands together as I introduce the first inductees to the Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame. Each of these men is about 100 times more strapping than you or anyone you know. Except me.
Our very first inductee makes a living transporting valuable goods for high-powered, well-funded clients. But he has a side job transporting ELBOW STRIKES TO YOUR SPINE. Cracking bad guy skulls is his business and business is very good, especially when those bad guys cause him to break his sacred rules of transporting, which he seemingly does every time he transports something. But that’s fine. REAL MEN can break the rules, because REAL MEN make the rules that they break.
Yes, The Transporter is balder than Bruce Willis at the end of Moonlighting (when he desperately clung to that final pathetic tuft on top of his head). So what? A clean cranium makes it all the easier to HEADBUTT YOUR NOSEBONE into your brain.
Yes, The Transporter is about as tall as your average 5th grader, staring up at his enemies as they struggle to keep straight faces while revealing their nefarious plots to him. Big deal. His height disadvantage just gives him a better angle to RIP YOUR NUTS OFF.
And yes, The Transporter goes completely limp when a leggy supermodel throws herself at him. No matter. The only thing that turns him on is KICKING BAD GUY ASS and taking names…so he can find them later and KICK THEIR ASSES AGAIN.
The Transporter is a REAL MAN in every sense of the word. Whether he’s using a petite Asian woman as a projectile weapon, creaming a dozen villains with his giant hose, or as in the photo above, beating the crap out of the Black Eyed Peas, The Transporter will forever be an inspiration to short, balding, flaccid guys everywhere, and the first-ever Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Famer.
Quite simply—LOOK AT THIS GUY. Not since the immortal Joe Piscopo have we seen such an awe-inspiring combination vascularity and hilarity. As I can attest, it takes a REAL MAN to be side-splittingly funny and jaw-droppingly ripped at the same time, and Mr. Top has found the balance. When he’s not pushing hardcore steel in the gym or eating one of his nine meals a day, he’s using his comic genius to create delightful props like the cup-and-string phone with the extra cup for call waiting. Brilliant! Our second inductee has proven without a doubt to be the undisputed master of irreverent, thought-provoking stand-up comedy and incline bench presses.
As soon as you hear him sing the very first note of Hello Darlin’, there is only one thought on your mind: this guys balls must be enormous. Our third inductee dominated the country music scene for three decades with a baritone that had millions of lonely soccer moms soiling their unmentionables. If anyone but a REAL MAN tried to sing a Conway Twitty song on karaoke night, the machine would detect the heresy and send a high-voltage electric pulse through the microphone, deep frying the perpetrator’s vital organs like a Twinkie at the State Fair. Don’t believe me? Try it.
He conquered the world. ’Nuff said.
Our final inductee is overflowing with the qualities of a REAL MAN. As if sporting the largest pair of breasts ever seen on an Asian person isn’t enough, on a whim Chong Li could bear hug you until your appendix popped out of your ear. A Chinese man beating up Caucasians is a rare sight, and in the classic film Bloodsport, Chong Li finished off so many crackers they should’ve given him a bowl of clam chowder. With the crowd chanting his name, he rampaged his way through the tournament, mangling his opponents and the English language with equal viciousness. After ruthlessly crippling Ogre from Revenge of The Nerds, Chong Li solidified his REAL MAN legend when he faced Frank Dux (who according to the movie, qualified for the brutal fight-to-the-death competition by being REALLY good at Karate Champ).
When he felt it was time to end the contest (possibly because he needed to go bra shopping), Chong Li decided to incapacitate Dux by hurling a large handful of SALT into the honky’s eyes. He’s obviously a student of professional wrestling, in which every Asian that has ever competed lived by one mantra: when the going gets rough – throw salt in his eyes. Watching pro wrestling is truly a REAL MAN endeavor, and Mr. Li’s awareness of its subtle nuances places him in our honored pantheon.
Let’s raise our protein shakes to The Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame Class of March 5th, 2006. All of these gentlemen deserve your undying respect, devotion, worship and fear. Now that you have some idea of what a REAL MAN is, you’re all free to return to your mundane, non-manly lives until the next induction ceremony. Thank you for coming and drive safely.
Honorable Mention: Ted Nugent, Fabio, Robocop
A Few That Will NEVER Get In: Billy Zane, Justin Timberlake, James Bonds 4 and 5, Freefall Jones