May 6, 2006


At my place of employment, I was recently given a peculiar project. I was to assemble a list of famous inspirational quotation, one for every week of the year. The quotations I gathered were meant to force people into action, to motivate them to chase their desires and break through any obstacles in their paths. As you probably can guess, such quotes were not difficult to find. In fact, the Internet is virtually overflowing with them. Some of the more interesting ones:

“Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” - Ralph Blum

What a fine way to look at and overcome hardships!

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.” – Walter Elliot

Just think about that the next time you feel like giving up!

“All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

Ah, that’s kinda nice.

Read the quotes again. Slowly. Soak them in. Are you feeling inspired? OF COURSE NOT. That’s because anyone with half an ounce of gray matter (i.e. Freefall Jones) can see that those tired expressions, and all like them, are nothing but hogwash. Balderdash. Poppycock (and whatever else the youngsters are saying nowadays). In other words, it’s all NONSENSE. But after spending two days sorting through this kind of drivel, I was indeed inspired. Inspired to bring truth and light through the fog of naivety. Because reading all these axioms made me sad. Sad to know that there are people out there who actually take these things seriously. People that are and never will be anything more than completely insignificant are reaching far beyond their meager grasps because they read a few words about “determination” “perseverance” and “hard work.” They waste colossal amounts of time and energy trying to accomplish things that are clearly impossible for them, and all they have to show for it is even more pain, humiliation and disappointment than they had before they started.

So I’ve taken it has my duty to help all such misguided souls. People of Earth, END THIS HYSTERIA with this: SOG’s MONSTER REALITY CHECK.

I’ve assembled a list of my own axioms (as well as one from a fellow deep thinker) on several subjects to keep you focused on the truth. Write them down. Print them out and paste them to your refrigerator, computer, or bathroom mirror so you can wake up to them every morning. Absorb them. And in time you’ll be cleansed of all those damaging delusions of grandeur you once had.

Life Lessons

1. The sooner you accept the fact that you’re a failure, the less disappointed you’ll be when you inevitably continue to be one.

2. Some people are winners; most are losers. Never forget which one you are.

3. Life is just one long, slow, painful death scene.

4. Stepping outside your envelope only leads to severe paper cuts.

5. Those who accomplish great things are born special. If you were, you and the world would know it by now.

6. True self-confidence comes not from within. Telling yourself that you’re exceptional does not make it so.

7. The stars aren’t meant to be reached.

8. Embrace your mediocrity; it’s probably the only thing that will hug you back.

9. It’s entirely possible to be a small fish in a big OR small pond.

10. There is always someone with a worse life than yours. But yours is still pretty bad.

Love and Romance

1. There is no woman that lacks the desire to destroy all men - only women that lack the looks to do so.

2. If you find yourself on a date with a girl that says a man’s money doesn’t matter to her, ask her to pay for her own dinner. Then ask for a second date.

3. Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one that’s interested in you. – Magneto

4. See? What did I tell you? Do you really feel better now???

5. As you cry, she laughs. As you suffer, she dances.

6. If forced to choose between a woman’s love and a lot of money, always choose the money. Her love will surely follow.

7. A man who does not dance may never get a girl. A man who dances badly WILL never get a girl.

8. If you have to wonder if a woman is into you…she’s not.

9. “We’ll always be friends” = “I find you mind-blowingly hideous.”

10. She’s out of your league, dummy.

Problem Solving

1. Trying and failing is human. Trying again is idiocy. Trying yet again is insanity.

2. Don’t bother attempting to kill yourself; no one will care anyway.

3. Hard work begets more hard work. And nothing else.

4. Life hands lemons to those without the sugar and water to make lemonade.

There! It’s truly satisfying to know that I’m leading countless millions to fully understand their lot in life. Of course, there are some that may be in denial and ask, “But S.O.G, what are we supposed to do with our lives if we don’t try to make something of ourselves?” That’s easy, my ignorant friends: you sit back and wait to die. It may not be pleasant, but at least you won’t have a tormented lifetime of botched attempts at happiness weighing you down. And when you finally pass on, you can say with a smile, “I didn’t waste my existence trying to be someone I could never be, or do things I could never do. I lived my life exactly the way it was meant to be lived – as an irrelevant drone.”

As my plutonium-powered brain churns nonstop, I will undoubtedly add more nuggets of clarity in the future. And as a special treat for you, I’m welcoming your submissions as well! That’s right; if you have a pithy thought that encapsulates the complete worthlessness of your being, I want to hear it! I can’t wait to see the testimonials of all my fans who’ve finally let go of their ridiculous dreams. But until then, remember this tip from S.O.G: keep surviving, but stop striving.


Aldo said...

Hi! nice compilation. This was my favorite 'axiom': "Life is just one long, slow, painful death scene".

Son of Gigan said...

That's a favorite of mine too. Unfortunately, just like in the movies, some people feel the need to SPEAK during their death scenes, and we have to listen to their dying words for 80 years. I hate those people. Keep on reading!

Tsuji Eriku said...

If you show a girl your "junk" & she doesn't scream & run away. She loves you.

Every major problem in my life can be traced back to a woman.

Everyone's scratched their ass & sniffed their fingers at least once in their lives, except me.


Langdon Alger said...

c'mon see the html error's in your post..make the corrections already!!...

Son of Gigan said...

Tsuji, it appears that you have FINALLY seen the light. You understand the destruction and suffering the Dark Side has caused. JOIN ME, AND WE CAN RULE THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND SON!!!!!!!

Son of Gigan said...

Alger, I'm not sure what "html error's" you're seeing, but I don't see them. In fact, I talked to that chump bitch Freefall Jones and even he confirmed that the post shows up just fine. And he's on one of those infernal Macs. I suggest you trade in your Commodore 64 for a more recent model, because you could benefit from my words the most.

Langdon Alger said...

Gigan..please let me be the one to end your miserable life..please?...I'm serious too..

Tsuji Eriku said...

kpjfoksdfs Commodore 64 jiosdhoajdijhji
Yo he's right Langdon i don't see shit either.

Langdon Alger said...

yeah..its probably because my computer is more advanced than all of does run on a star trek pentium processor..

Son of Gigan said...

Ah, but Alger, my life is NOT miserable. I've made it very full by taking up the task of pointing all my followers in the proper direction, away from those dangerous feelings of adequacy. I teach them to fight that baseless self confidence that only leads to emotional agony. Yes, it's sad knowing that there are millions of innocent ignoramuses out there that have yet to see the light, but if I can convince ONE man to abandon all thoughts of being anything more than utterly ordinary, I can sleep well at night.

Langdon Alger said... don't have a miserable life..but still..let me kill you..