Jun 27, 2006

Tales of The Strange and Somewhat Creepy....

found this little article on Nozomi Online ...so all credit goes to them..

The NOVICE™ Sex Experience

You may recall the last report from Nozomi Online involving the sex toy we lovingly dubbed the “Vagina in a Can ™.” A refresher from those folks who read the article or a succinct synopsis of the article can be summed up in the following sentence.

The Vagina in a Can ™ is a one-time use sex toy the size of a Soda Can you can buy in Japan for about $4.

Now many of you may remember the amount of regret I had when I opened the bottle to find a squishy, sopping wet, probably diseased mix of rubber latex and soft foam padding inside. You may also remember that I had regretfully thrown the innards away because it freaked me out. My retribution is at hand, not only will you guys (and girls..?) get to see roughly what ingredients make up the Vagina in a Can ™, you will also get to feel it yourself, if you are so brave.

That’s right, Nozomi Online is here to present to you, the Nozomi Online Vagina In a Can Extreme ™! For short, we’ll call this miraculous contraption N.O.V.I.C.E. ™.

While some of you will be disturbed by the following set of pictures, I'm not the one to blame here, I’m just passing the knowledge of sweet sweet N.O.V.I.C.E. ™ sex to my loving English speaking public.

According to our disturbingly gifted Japanese man, everyone seems to be using an instrument other than their hand to masturbate, silly kids! In a world where hookers are expensive and dangerous and full sized blow-up dolls are expensive, difficult to maintain, and embarrassing to purchase… there leaves only one choice. If you want something besides your hand on your wang, you are going to have to turn to the N.O.V.I.C.E. ™. It is very important to pick the right materials for this device, you must use soft sponges because it’s going to be rubbing all over your wang and a cup. Don’t use those plastic cups left over from Beer Pong, way too small... go and buy some huge-ass Dixie Cups... JUMBO SIZE… nod knowingly at the cashier as she rings you up. Ah, we must not forget some lube, the guy even says it’s okay to use some hand lotion or whatever. It’s your twig, do what you want to it.

Step 1. Everything in the pictures should be pretty straightforward, oh if you find these bumpy sponges, more power to ya! Now make a cut right down the middle of each sponge.

Step 2. Since this cut will help “even” out the weight distribution of your tree, it’s important to loosen the
sponges up a bit.

Step 3. Do this to two sponges, and inset like so into the JUMBO SIZED Dixie Cup. You getting some irony here? Dixie Cup? Oh forget you.

Step 4. Line up those slits!

Step 5. Lube her up and Git ‘er Done!

It only takes a minute to make these suckers, so if you’re horny and stuff, it’s nothing. The Japanese dude also goes on about the cost effectiveness of his design, even in weird cup-fetish sex those Japanese have to be efficient! He goes on to mention that choking the chicken using just your hand to control the cup is a little weird, so use your futon! Fold the futon well and arrange it to support the N.O.V.I.C.E. ™ and you’re read to go! Not many people in America have futons, so just use your blanket or wedge it between your mattress and bed-frame.

----------WORKPLACE BUFFER----------

--Langdon's note: It is STRONGLY suggested that you DO NOT continue if you are at work but, it is pretty damn funny--

Put your favorite picture or poster on top of you futon and you’re almost on your way to carnal satisfaction! You can only imagine my elation that this guy just happened to use a Morning Musume Poster. I think I have that poster too. Thanks a lot crazy Japanese guy, you ruined it for everyone!


Freefall Jones said...

What the hell? Wait... is that you or Tsuji in those pics?

Langdon Alger said...

I believe its Thongchai...

Hikaru_Doumuoji said...

Langdon, stop taking pics of yourself pleasuring your wang bro! that's just sick!

Langdon Alger said...

aw man...why you gotta make fun of me?...next thing I know you guys are gonna gang up on me..I see how it is....sound familiar?..haha...I'm joking...welcome back to the blog hikaru...