The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 1

WARNING: This is by far the most critical work I’ve ever penned. If you are a woman, turn back now. And if you disagree with anything written below, you are ignorant, in denial…or a woman.

I had an interesting, yet somewhat frustrating lunch conversation with a new coworker today. As is normally the case with people in this scenario, he was picking my massive brain to discover what it is about me that is so irresistible to women. I attempted to explain to this neophyte that my immense attractiveness cannot be quantified or rationalized. It’s just there. And it’s no different than any other man (except obviously at far higher levels). In plain English – being desirable to women is something a man either has or he doesn’t. And if he does not have it, he cannot gain it (short of a few very rare exceptions that will be described in detail later).

Of course, as naïve little humans will do, he disagreed. He was absolutely insistent that even the most physically unattractive man could use wit and charm to talk his way into a woman’s favor and more importantly, her bed. He claimed to have had his way with many “hot chicks” in his time. At the pinnacle of his lunatic ranting, he recommended a book that he had read. Quite famous, it’s titled The Game, and it’s the “true” story of an apparently beastly-looking man who discovered an ironclad, foolproof method of getting the most beautiful women to have intercourse with him. In a nutshell, my cuckoo new friend told me this:

Talk to a woman as if she’s your kid sister. Tease her and make fun of her and don’t give her too much respect. This will intrigue her.

That’s it! There’s the elusive secret to obtaining the affections of women. Let’s all thank The Game and its hideous author for showing men the light and making things so easy! I would’ve laughed heartily if I didn’t have acidic bile clogging my windpipe. To make things even more absurd, shortly after his synopsis this whacko had the temerity to suggest that I, Son of Gigan, read the book. WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT? Just before I killed him, I was compelled to drop a little funkee funkee wizdom on this sucka MC. And I’m going to share it with you, my devoted fans.

This is not what he wanted to hear. In fact, it’s not what anyone wants to hear. But it’s the truth. The Indisputable Truth. Women will NOT like this. Why would they? I’m finally lifting the impenetrable veil they’ve held over men’s eyes ever since the day we stopped clubbing them over their heads and dragging them off by the hair. The gig is up, ladies. Sorry to burst your bubble. But not that sorry.

The Indisputable Truth:

Let me begin the lesson by saying that if you’ve read The Game, or are thinking about reading it or any of those other instruction-manual-type guides to attracting women, you are a shameless douchebag completely devoid of self-respect. You probably won’t want to read on, just like women won’t. But since you have the same testicular makeup of the average female, you can sob about your relationship woes to your girl friends (note: not “girlfriends”) while watching Grey’s Anatomy and eating Haagen Dazs.

But if you want to regain what little is left of your dignity, you can read what I’m saying and take it to heart…or stick your head in an oven and don’t turn on the gas, but slam the door into your temple over and over again until you bludgeon yourself to death.

Preface over. Here’s The Truth, men. And in the coming weeks I will support it with facts and examples borne of a decade of experience and endless hours of observation:

Women don’t care about who you are on the inside. Not a single bit. Not even a little. They don't care about how you approach them or the things you say to them.

All their attraction is based on appearance, image, finances, status/power and other surface traits. The quality of your character matters not. The content of your soul makes no difference. The kindness in your heart? Honesty? Intelligence? Sense of humor? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Or as we say here - aw;erouia; sdfjasdkl;fj awef’pa sodfjkalsdf asldfjasdklf as,dfasdf, asd,fweopsd,.cmasl/dkfj ‘weop!!!!!!!!!!!

Harsh, is it not? But many things in life are harsh; that doesn’t make them any less true, or less important to know. all of you are much better off just for reading this far. If you have the courage to continue, I’ll impart some absolutely crucial facts that you must be equipped with when engaging the opposite sex.

1. Women are chemically imbalanced. ALL of them. That is not slander. That is a provable actuality. Women change moods not day-by-day or even hour-by-hour. They change moods minute-by-minute. They’ll converse pleasantly with you one minute and avoid you like a leper the next. They’ll adore a certain fashion trend one minute and despise it the next. They play mind games liberally. Females like to say that they’re “complicated” (how many times have you heard a girl say that?). They say that they’re “sensitive” and it’s because their emotions are so complex. No, it’s just plain crazy. And it’s in ALL women. Your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, your daughter, the girl in the cubical next to you that seems perfectly well-adjusted, all of them. They can’t be rationalized or reasoned with. You must never be shocked when a female does something that defies human logic, or completely and totally contradicts everything she may have told you about herself, which leads us to…

2. Never believe a woman’s words. I’m not speaking of words like, “I work as an administrative assistant,” or “I love sandwiches.” Those words may very well be true (although you should still take them with a grain of salt). It’s when they start speaking about what they look for in men that you need to tune them out completely. Women will shamelessly state over and over that a man’s appearance doesn’t matter (or at least doesn’t matter entirely), that what matters is the kind of person he is. Think about it; of course women are going to say that. It makes them look and feel less shallow. What else are they going to say? Study their body language, and disregard whatever comes out of their mouths. It will unlock a whole new understanding, because…

3. Women CANNOT hide their emotions. When it comes to men, women are literally incapable of keeping their feelings to themselves. They may not vocally express how they feel (see #2), and they may try to disguise their thoughts, but whether they are attracted to you or wish they could tie you in a burlap sap and drown you like a litter of kittens, they WILL let you know. And it won’t be subtle. A woman will think she’s “playing hard to get” with a man she desires. She’ll limit her conversation time with him. She’ll pretend to be busy when he wants to talk. And she’ll think she’s stringing him along like a fish on a hook. What she won’t notice is how she’ll keep staring at him, how she’ll keep making excuses to be around him even though she “doesn’t” want to speak, and how she’ll break down and follow him around if he doesn’t play her little game. On the flip side, a girl may try to be polite when talking to a man that’s unattractive. She’ll be somewhat courteous and attentive, but what she cannot hide is her facial expression that SCREAMS “Stop speaking to me and go FAR away.” She cannot hide her feet as they slowly and awkwardly shuffle in the opposite direction. She cannot hide her skin as it crawls off her bones desperately attempting to escape. I’ve SEEN this happen. Remember, I hang out with Freefall Jones. Men, if a girl likes you, she will LET YOU KNOW. And you WILL see it. And if and when it ever happens, you’ll feel like an imbecile for chasing all those girls in the past that gave you no such signals. And likewise, if a girl thinks you’re ugly, she will make it equally obvious. And you CANNOT change her opinion. Girls judge men as acceptable or unacceptable immediately upon seeing them for the first time. And if you’re unacceptable, no amount of personality is going to convince her to transfer you to the “good” side. You need to know which one you are. The sooner you come to grips with it, the more at peace you will be.

This concludes my introductory chapter. Fortunately for you, there’s a lot more for me to teach. Make sure to return here in the future, not only to get your fill of naked Japanese teenagers, but to read the latest chapters of Son of Gigan’s most important work:

Chapter 2: “Women’s Five Pillars of Bullshit (Pardon my French)”

Chapter 3: “A Man’s Got to Know His Limitations.”

Chapter 4: “The Man Makes the Clothes” or “You Can’t Shine a Turd.”