Apr 3, 2007

Son of Gigan’s Right on Time Wondercon ’07 Report

Whassup, beetches? It’s Son of Gigan here – talkin’ ‘bout that Wondercon ’07. Now I know all of you -- and by “all” I mean “three” --are probably whining like little beetches right now, “You’re late! Wondercon was a month ago!” If you haven’t figured it out yet, I set my own deadlines. I just happened to set the deadline for this piece roughly sometime before Wondercon ’08. So I’m WAY ahead of schedule. Besides, don’t hate cuz SOG be BALLLIN!!!!!!

Wondercon has always been that special time of year when I can trek out to the big city and pay a bunch of HOT BROADS to talk to me. Not that I have to pay of course, but I’m nothing if not charitable. It’s a big part of my sexiness.

My impressions of the 2007 show? I have just one: shock and dismay. Or is that two? Anyway, I was -- well -- shocked and dismayed when after six hours of combing every centimeter of the convention hall I discovered that all the broads were gone! You read that correctly, THERE WERE NO BROADS. No Tiffany Taylor. No Adriana Sage. No Lisa Marie Scott. No Aria Giovanni.

ALL GEEKS AND NO BROADS MAKES SOG GO CRAZY. ALL GEEKS AND NO BROADS MAKES SOG GO CRAZY. ALL GEEKS AND NO BROADS MAKES SOG GO CRAZY. ALL GEEKS AND NO BROADS MAKES SOG GO CRAZY.

The timing couldn’t have been worse. For this was the year I was finally going to ask one of those broads out. This was the year! I was going to do it! Not to mention that I had saved enough money to get Polaroids taken with all of them. I thought my rage could be somewhat alleviated by the first-time presence of Elvira at the con. Just about the only thing that could make up for this disappointment would be that ever elusive nipple slip that I’ve been waiting to see for 20 years.

The banner at her booth read “Elvira – Queen of Halloween.” I guess her former title of “Mistress of The Dark” no longer applies. So she’s now a queen instead of a mistress, but she only rules absolutely over one day of the year, as opposed to reigning conditionally over 12 hours of every day. Does that count as a promotion? Like everything else that day, my plan to discuss her new title and the responsibilities it entails with her were scuttled when I got to the autograph table and saw not Elvira, but some old redhead. I guess one of the perks of becoming a queen is having your own personal name-signer.

So I was left to roam the hall in a depressingly flaccid state, my only interesting photo opportunity coming with a pair of overweight Boba Fetts. My god, what did Vader use to pay these guys for tracking down the Millennium Falcon, chilidogs?

As usual I turned an unfathomably horrid situation into a positive one by gaining wisdom. I realized for the first time that sans the hot broads…Wondercon is not so wonderful. But there was one shining moment. I managed to sneak a peak at a “specially cut” trailer for the upcoming Spider-Man 3 blockbuster, which gave us a brief but spectacular glimpse of the film’s villain: VENOM! Images of Venom have been kept top secret by Sony Pictures since filming began, but I’ve risked possible incarceration to bring the YODC legion a still of the exclusive trailer. Remember, this image is HIGHLY SOUGHT AFTER and the INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY of the studio, so it MUST remain on this blog and not be shown to anyone outside of it. I may have been disappointed by the convention, but by Heaven, my fans will get enjoyment from it. BEHOLD!

Venom still – DO NOT REDISTRIBUTE!

I’m really afraid that the special guest star will ruin the movie. Alas, I plan to return to Wondercon in 2008. Maybe I’ll write a new proposal speech for my broads, but maybe not – this year’s was pretty powerful and I don’t want it to go to waste. Of course I could always put it to good use at FanimeCon in May. There’s never a shortage of HOT BROADS there. Keep checking back for my report on that show. Who knows…you may even see it this year!

5 comments:

craig said...

Venom LOL

...

FannyCon? :P
Fanny is backside in America but in England it's front and low.

Freefall Jones said...

What the hell is a wondercon?

Nice Venom. Those 5 years at Western Career College really paid off.

Langdon Alger said...

there was one nudie model there on friday..that one gook..uh, whats her name..linda tran i think..

Son of Gigan said...

You have a point Jones, you'd think with all the money the first two movies made they would've put a little more into the special effects.

Tsuji Eriku said...

that venom pic is the guts man

and Langdon's right there was one hot VC in the house were you blind?