Oct 16, 2008

The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 6

WARNING: The very title of this chapter may seem contradictory, but don't let it sway your opinion. Don't let it shake your confidence in The Indisputable Truth. By the end of it you'll see The Truth even more clearly...if that's possible.

EXCEPTIONS to The Indisputable Truth (No Way!)

Let me start by tackling the obvious oxymoron here. How can there be exceptions to something that's indisputable? And the explanation is this: the exceptions I will list don't disprove The Indisputable Truth, but prove it to be exactly what I say it is.

Seeing how I post about as frequently as Freefall Jones clips his fingernails, here's a very brief refresher: women base all their attraction on surface traits, namely physical appearance. But is that really all? Is there anything that a less-handsome man can do to draw the affections of females? There must be something else that women like besides looks! Well, there are a few things, and here they are.

#1. Wealth:
Are you really surprised? You were expecting maybe "intelligence," "humor," or *gasp* "confidence?" We already covered those things! Money is not only a strong exception to physical appearance, but women love it so much they could easily be equals. Society teaches us that men are obligated to supply all the financial security in relationships. Over hundreds, perhaps thousands of years that notion has evolved into the belief that men who are simply able to pay the most are the most desirable.

Women have historically put great value on material things. They want the most expensive posessions in abundance. They define themselves by the clothes they wear, the jewelry they own, and the man that can supply them with the highest quality posessions is, by their definition, the highest quality man. The proof is all around us. Men of great wealth are never wont for female companionship. Do you think Donald Trump always has a woman by his side because of his effervescent personality and infectious sense of humor? I once saw a talk show interview with Trump while he was between his second and third marriages. The host asked him if he was the "marrying type," and after a few moments of thought, he replied "I'm the marrying type until I get tired of her. Isn't that terrible?" The response illicited a groan from the ladies in the audience. I saw this interview many years ago, but it stuck with me. At the time, I thought to myself "With that blatantly disrespectful attitude, he should be single forever no matter how much money he has!"
I, quite obviously, was wrong. And when he "gets tired" of this one, we can all rest assured that he will have another equally, or even more beautiful girl by his side before the ink on his divorce papers is dry. How many gorgeous women have you "gotten tired of" in your lifetime? Turn on any entertainment program at any given time and you will see at least one vapid, brainless, spoiled trust fund brat surrounded by lovely ladies and having the time of his life. The time YOU should be having. Unfortunately, a large amount of money is almost as difficult to aquire as physical attractiveness, but the other Exception is a bit easier...

#2. Fame:
Ah...the great equalizer. Fame, or infamy - women do not differentiate. In the event of a complete lack of good looks or copious finances, fame is the force that will draw women to you. It's quite simple - in the mind of the average woman, if people are interested in you, it must mean that you are interesting. Thus, being closely associated with you will make her interesting. It's the perceived power that you could give her that gives you power over her. Television is the tool. You're not handsome, you're not rich, you're not particularly funny, charismatic or charming. But if you're on TV, you MUST be special, right?

On this particular chapter, I'm compelled to reference one of my favorite authors: Jose Canseco. In his classic tome,
Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big (required reading for - well - everyone), Mr. Canseco describes the way he and his fellow major leaguers referred to their many female conquests. Any girl that was courted on a road trip was known as "Road Beef." You read that correctly: Road Beef. It's as if all the members of MLB put their suspiciously oversized craniums together to come up with the most offensive term that could possibly be conceived for a woman, and "Road Beef" emerged. Another choice nugget was "Slump Buster." I'll let the former Bash Brother explain it in his own words:

"As everyone knows, baseball players are very superstitious. Players who are struggling start talking about how they need to go out and find something to break their slump. And often enough it comes out something like this: 'Oh my God, I'm 0-for-20. I'm going to get the ugliest girl I can find and have sex with her.'...It could mean the woman was big, or ugly, or a combination of both, however you slice it, it was bound to be unpleasant."

Road Beef? Slump Busters? Are these terms the spawn of men with charming personalities? No, they come from hormonally-challenged meatheads with the collective brainpower of a bag of rosin. And guess what? These shaved gorillas get more sex in a month than you will in your entire lifetime. And in keeping with Exception #2, the aforementioned Jose Canseco is apparently bankrupt, yet still had no problem
convincing a cute young lady to live with him. He's never had trouble getting beautiful women into his bed, and he never will. If you walked into a crowded bar/nightclub/social situation with Canseco, who do you think will get more attention from females? You shouldn't think too hard about it.

Maybe the most egregious and disturbing example of fame creating attraction is the story of
Richard Ramirez, AKA The Night Stalker. I won't go into too many details, but Ramirez was a serial killer in the 80s who brutally raped and murdered 14 people in California, and viciously assaulted many more, including sodomizing an 8 year-old boy.

When he was finally captured and put on trial, the Night Stalker became a borderline sex symbol, with dozens of beautiful young "groupies" attending his court hearings. When he was incarcerated, Ramirez received an average of 1000 love letters a week from women. 1000 A WEEK. How many love letters did YOU get last week? How about in your lifetime? THE NIGHT STALKER gets plenty of them. He's on death row now...and married.

The story of Richard Ramirez is an extreme example, but the point remains. Being famous, for anything, including raping and murdering women, will make you more attractive to them (that doesn't mean you should do it, however). As I said at the beginning, what both of the Exceptions do here is prove The Indisputable Truth. While physical attractiveness may rule all, money and fame go hand in hand with it, because they are surface traits.

You see, you can be a woman-hating real estate baron, a steroid-addled side of beef in cleets, or a child-raping murderer; it doesn't matter how you acquired your wealth or fame, as long as you have one, or preferably both. And why is this? Because to expound my point from Exception #1, in the pursuit of a mate, women aren't looking for loyal companions, or close friends or "soul mates." They're looking for arm pieces. Objects that look good standing next to them. Women look at men like purses, or jewelry, things they can brag about to their friends. And unfortunately, a winning personality, intelligence, and sense of humor are not things to brag about. What sounds better: "My husband made $23 million last year," "My boyfriend hit 45 home runs this season," "My man was on Inside Edition and Extra last night," or "My boyfriend is really funny," or "My man treats me great"? It's really no comparison. They want the most expensive,most glamourous, most sought-afer items. You can become one of those items, with a very lucky lottery ticket or a whole lot of murder.*
*Please don't murder anyone.

It took me a long time to finish this chapter, and in truth, it's been deep sadness that's been slowing me down. It's almost done. The Indisputable Truth is coming to a close. I hope you can join me for Chapter 7: "All Great Things Must Come to an End - The Conclusion of The Indisputable Truth."

1 comment:

Tsuji Eriku said...

"I'm the boss like Tony Danza, money made me handsome"