WARNING: This chapter is EXTREMELY long and involved. You may have to read it in parts in order to absorb it all. In fact, in my infinite humbleness, I must APOLOGIZE in advance to my fellow blog-members for engulfing all of their posts, and not just quality-wise like normal, but with sheer volume. But believe me, EVERY word is vital. I am not simply making empty, uninformed statements. I owe it to the readers to support these truths with detailed explanations and real-life examples. And women, this chapter is essential reading for you, if only to show you that at least one man on this planet has you completely figured out. But then again, you’re probably still smarting from the lyrical beatdown you got in Chapter 1.
If you’re just joining us, your humble man-monster was taking it upon himself to smash down the towering wall of confusion that has stood between men and women since the dawn of time. You see, I discovered the truth about the female species long ago, and have finally become fed up with the rampant myths and falsehoods they’ve spread, that men lap up like thirsty puppies. If you don’t know The Indisputable Truth, or just want a refresher course, here it is.
My followers, or as I affectionately refer to you, my SOGolytes, so far we’ve established three concrete realities that are both actual AND factual:
- Women are chemically unbalanced.
- Never believe a woman’s words.
- Women CANNOT hide their emotions.
Now we’re going to delve into more specific female customs. Namely, the things that ALL women say when discussing what they look for in the opposite sex. I call them The Five Pillars of Bullshit (Pardon my French). With my otherworldly vocabulary, I normally abhor the use of profanity. But if there is a more appropriate word than “Bullshit” to describe the things women say on this subject, it hasn’t been invented yet. Not in any language on any solar system.
The Five Pillars of Bullshit (Pardon my French) are known as such because women use them to prop up their all-encompassing superficiality, keeping it far above the vision of men. Women rest upon The Pillars; they are immovable. And when you look up to get a glimpse of the true character of females, they point to The Pillars and insist that they represent the truth.
If you ever find yourself conversing with a woman on the topic of your eternal singleness, or just asking her what she desires in a man she is absolutely, positively, inevitably, unequivocally, mathematically GUARANTEED to recite, or more accurately regurgitate, one or even all of the Five Pillars, depending on how long you speak to her. As an aside, if you’re attracted to this woman and she’s actually participating in this conversation, the attraction is not mutual.
It doesn’t matter where a woman is from, whom she associates with, what she does for a living, what she looks like or what her core values are. She WILL rattle off this Bullshit (Pardon my French) without giving it a moment’s thought. There’s no rationale or analysis behind it; it just spews forth from the bowels of her DNA. And when you hear it, you MUST think about number 2 from above. That’s right; think about number 2. How fitting…
Women’s Five Pillars of Bullshit (Pardon my French):
Ah yes, the dreaded C-word. “The first thing I notice in a man is his confidence.” “It’s all about your confidence.” “Confidence is sexy.” Women will have you believe that a man can be short, grossly overweight, uglier than Iran Barkley and more penniless than Freefall Jones, but if he walks into a room exuding confidence girls will flock to him in droves and follow him as if he were the Pied Piper and they a bunch of filthy plague-infested rats.
Let me begin to debunk this colossal fallacy with a little story about a friend of mine. I’ll call him “A.” His wife (we’ll call her “B”) was a marketing executive at a VERY prominent company who had a deep childhood love of baking. Last year, she quit her high-paying position to pursue her dream of opening a bakery, which has since become extremely successful - so successful that they’re currently looking at franchising. On a sunny day not so long ago, a very professional-looking man in a suit entered the bakery while both A and B were working. The man asked to speak to the business owner and B accommodated him. He proceeded to boldly declare that he knew how to dramatically increase the profitability of her business (as if it wasn’t doing well enough), and that with his assistance she could even start a NEW business that would be bigger and better than her little bake shop. He was articulate; he didn’t stutter; he had total conviction. B responded by asking him a simple question:
“Okay, what businesses have you started or been a part of?”
A then watched in fear and awe as his wife proceeded to, as the kids say, light that bitch up.
“You’re coming in here telling me how to start a business when you’ve never started one yourself? What gives you the right to waste my time when you literally have nothing on your resume? Why should anyone even bother listening to you? You’re giving me advice and you haven’t achieved a single thing yourself!”
After his lashing the man tucked his briefcase between his legs and limped out the door, presumably to throw himself into oncoming traffic. But he was confident. He believed in himself and his abilities. What went wrong?
Guys, how much rejection from women have you suffered in your lifetimes? How many times have you approached a woman thinking “She seems like she digs me; I’m going to give it a shot,” only to be ruthlessly turned away? How many times have you entered a social environment feeling great about yourself, and left with that feeling completely obliterated – smashed to pieces by a girl or girls that you were confident would find you interesting?
Here’s the secret about confidence:
Women are not attracted to a man who’s confident. They are attracted to a man with a reason to be confident.
The reason. That’s the key. And if a woman thinks you have no reason to be confident, you can stand up straight, hold your head up high and speak with the assurance of a five-star general – the closest you’ll get to her is hearing her sweet voice when she laughs in your face. And what does a woman see as a legitimate reason to be confident? You guessed it: physical attractiveness. Or a lot of money. Or fame. Surface traits. The Indisputable Truth.
When a girl is hit on by an unattractive man, even in a respectful, non-aggressive way, she’s not going to think, “This guy is so grisly-looking I feel like sticking toothpicks in my eyeballs and plucking them out like olives from a martini, but he’s got confidence, so I want him inside me RIGHT NOW!” She’s going to think, “Why does this guy think that I’d go out with him? He must be a complete idiot or completely insane. What a loser.”
Think about it, men! Approaching a woman you’re attracted to takes CONFIDENCE! Asking a girl out takes CONFIDENCE! You wouldn’t do it if you thought you were going to fail! Yet that doesn’t stop them from rejecting you outright, or paying as much attention to your advances as they would a housefly buzzing around their heads.
And what if the lady you’re trying to court is especially beautiful, with many men vying for her attention? How will she react to your confidence? As the aforementioned B did with her oh-so confident would-be business advisor, she’ll get angry. She’ll actually be offended by your actions. You see, if she finds you ugly, you’ll be INSULTING her by even thinking that she would speak to you. She’ll think, “What gives this homely guy the right to ask me out? Does he really think he’s on my level? He’s probably never had a date in his life and now he’s coming after me; he must think I’m as ugly as he is! What an asshole!” You should consider yourself lucky if she doesn’t actually verbalize these thoughts. What it boils down to is this: if a girl is not impressed with your resume, having confidence actually makes you LESS attractive. And how will you know if she’s impressed? She’ll show you, because as you’ve already learned, women CANNOT hide their emotions.
To close the book on the C-word - confidence should come from accomplishment. You can’t flip it on like a light switch. If women have always gravitated toward you, then yes, you can be confident that you’ll have success in romantic endeavors. If women have always rejected you, you cannot and should not be confident, not in this area. That certainty you feel is pure delusion. Ask yourself this: would you take advice on how to attain a girlfriend from a man who’s never been able to get one himself, no matter how confident he was? You’d think he was crazy for offering it, right? That kind of baseless self-possession is NOT healthy. It only leads to more pain – for you and the innocent people you brutally gun down when a girl spurns you for the last time.
2. “Just Be Yourself”
If you haven’t heard a woman say this, I strongly suggest you find some way to escape the black hole you’ve been trapped in since the day you were born. It can’t be safe in there. But before you leave, please say hello to Maximilian, and tell him to be nicer to Old B.O.B.
Quite literally, this Pillar is the dessert to the Bullshit (Pardon my French) main course that is Confidence. When waxing dishonest about what they want in the opposite sex (which begs the question: can they wax any other way? But I digress), females will ALWAYS follow “Have Confidence” with “Just Be Yourself.” They desperately try to perpetuate the illusion that they’re captivated by men who don’t try to be anything they’re not – men who are honest about themselves – men who “keep it real.” It makes sense, does it not? They like men who aren’t phony, who aren’t trying too hard to impress. There must be some truth to this, right? Right? WRONG!!!!!
Now that I’ve composed myself, I’ll explain:
“Being Yourself” means nothing to a woman. Honesty is not a virtue in their eyes. If “Yourself” is not someone that’s attractive, being “Yourself” will not endear you to women.
In plain English, if you’re a physically handsome man, or a rich man, or both, of course you can just be yourself and women will adore you. You can talk about the copious amounts of money you have (indirectly, by mentioning the car you drive, the clothes you buy, the restaurants at which you dine, etc.). Or if you’re handsome enough, you don’t have to say anything. Just sit still, be handsome, and ladies will christen you the “brooding” or “introspective” type.
SOGverb (as in “Proverb”): A handsome man is “brooding;” an ugly man is “boring.”
If you have the qualities outlined by The Indisputable Truth, ALL of your behavior falls under the Pillar of “Being Yourself.”
However, if you’re a short, balding, overweight 30 year-old who lives with his parents and watches cartoons, being “Yourself” isn’t such a turn on. My fellow YODCers, do you loudly and publicly proclaim your devotion to pre-pubescent Asian girls? Is your infatuation with pornography worn on your sleeve like the campfire-starting merit badge you won as an Eagle Scout? If your answer to these questions is yes, then first, HUZZAH, and second, it’s probably not a babe magnet, is it? But you’re BEING YOURSELF, aren’t you? That’s what women say they want, someone who’s honest and forthright!
For example, my work office is bedecked with my favorite action figures, a few of my drawings and a gargantuan poster of my beloved Puffy on the wall. Unlike every other office in the building, mine is not stark white. It has color. It has personality – MY personality. And what is the reaction of females who enter my confines? They look around, then look at me as if I’m from another planet. And just because I am from another planet doesn’t make it any less shallow. What would the reaction be to George Clooney if his office looked like mine?
“Toys? He’s so much fun! He’s still a big kid at heart!”
“Japanese pop stars? His music tastes are so eclectic!”
“Drawings? He’s so talented!”
“He’s not afraid to express who he is! He’s just being himself!”
Their eyes spin a totally different tale when it’s Son of Gigan at the desk.
“Toys? This guy’s suffering from arrested development. He hasn’t grown up.”
“Is that Japanese? Weird.”
“Drawings? He’s gotta be some kind of stalker. Or gay.”
Does this make me want to renovate my workspace? OH HELL TO-THE-NO. Because unlike women, I truly believe that “Being Yourself” is important. All men should, not that it will get them any more success in romance. For Heaven’s sake, Clooney keeps a huge pot belly pig as a pet. And girls invariably proclaim it as “cute.” YOU try telling a woman that you have a pig in your house and see if she’ll come home with you.
As this Pillar comes crashing to the ground, here is the primary take-away: a woman is MUCH more likely to date an attractive phony than an unattractive honest man. I am positive that all of us have seen countless numbers of liars and cheaters walk away with women that we wanted. But do NOT follow their lead, my friends. Know that it WASN’T their deceitful ways alone that earned them their success. It was their surface traits – surface traits strong enough to convince women that they’re not phonies; they’re “just being themselves.” If you don’t have those traits, being anyone is a lost cause.
3. “I Don’t Want to Play Any Games.”
The “games” in question are of course, mind games. I will not go into the exact definition of the term – that’s an entirely new blog – but we’re all adults, so it’s safe to assume that my readers know precisely what constitutes “playing games.” Except of course, for the women.
If one were to peruse Match.com, Eharmony.com, or any one of those inane “personals” websites (even I do from time to time, just to find people I actually know, so that the next time I see them I can put them out of their desperate misery by setting them ablaze with my heat vision), you’ll find that about every other female profile features a comment along the lines of “I don’t want to play any games,” “I’m not into playing games,” or “If you’re going to play mind games, don’t respond.”
They say this so often that you’re almost tempted to believe them. But don’t. For the love of SOG, do not. What the blissfully ignorant men among us don’t know is that women are CONSTANTLY playing games. If you’re physically attractive enough for a woman to deem you worthy of conversation, the games begin before your first word is spoken. Every word that passes her lips is designed to elicit a particular answer from you. Every movement is made with the intention of testing your reaction. She’s not talking to you; she’s gauging you, seeing if you’ll give her the “correct” responses.
Ever waited for a phone call for a girl that seemed perfectly straightforward and honest, not to mention infatuated with you, a few nights earlier? She may very well be interested in you. In fact, the MORE she is, the MORE she’ll want to leave you in limbo, seeing how long it will take for you to crack and contact her. Because women feel empowered by the thought of having a man, especially a handsome man, on a leash. Of course if you do initiate that contact, she’ll realize that she has complete control and will drop you like the proverbial bad habit for being so pathetically spineless.
And mind games are not just reserved for the hopelessly single men. How about the girl at your job, or in your class who periodically reminds you that she’s got nothing planned that night, or that she “doesn’t have a man,” or that she’d like to see a movie but has no one to accompany her? If this happens to you – excelsior - you are officially attractive to her. But do you ever stop and wonder why she can’t just ask you on a date? It’s because women MUST play mind games first. They HAVE to. It’s in their DNA. Unfortunately, what’s also in their DNA is the irresistible urge to continuously claim that “I don’t want to play any games.”
Ironically, the very act of claiming that they don’t want to play mind games is in itself a mind game! They spew their Bullshit (Pardon my French) to get men to lower their defenses, weakening them to the assault of trials and tests that women perform for their own demented satisfaction. If you hear it from a woman and think to yourself “No mind games, how refreshing,” the game is already on.
But in the end, The Indisputable Truth will always overcome. If you have the proper surface traits, especially in abundance, she WILL eventually call you. She WILL ask you out. And she WILL retain her attraction to you no matter how you respond to her little tests. But she’ll forever be playing games – all the while insisting that she doesn’t want to, of course.
4. “Be Persistent.”
Oh, if a list could be compiled of all the poor men that have been romantically decimated by this gem of advice, it could be photographed from the farthest reaches of the solar system. A woman you desire ignores you? “Be persistent” other women will say. Does she show as much interest in dating you as she does in getting stabbed in the kidneys? “Be persistent” they’ll say. She drops on you the nut-crushing deathblow in the form of “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”? “Be persistent” they’ll insist.
It sounds so convenient. If you want a certain girl, keep trying to get her and she’ll eventually “break down” and see you for the great guy that you are. It’s like building a shed in your backyard or learning to ride a bike; it’s difficult at first, but if you keep working hard the nails will start going into that wood a little straighter, that bike will stop wobbling, and in time your wheelbarrow will be protected from the rain and you’ll be peddling as if you’d been stricken with testicular cancer.
But don’t be feeling that lump in your balls just yet – it doesn’t work quite that way with women. Haven’t you ever heard stories from them about how particular guys won’t leave them alone? About how that “gross” guy keeps trying to talk to them? Don’t they sound like they want to burn his corneas out with pepper spray, or have him beaten to a bloody, quivering pulp? OF COURSE they do. But he’s being PERSISTENT!
SOGverb (as in “Proverb”): A handsome man is “being persistent;” an ugly man is “not taking a hint.”
Why do women feel the need to lead men to their doom in this manner? Partly because of their own delusions of grandeur. You see, when a woman encourages you to “be persistent” with another, when she says that’s what she likes in a man, she is envisioning herself being pursued by an extremely attractive, rich and probably very tall suitor. The ideal scenario careening around inside her skull is that of playing her games (the ones that she insists she doesn’t want to play) and toying with this handsome man’s emotions while he keeps coming back for more. Then finally she “succumbs” and gives herself over to this wealthy adonis so he can lavish her with gifts and make her the envy of her fellow females. “Being persistent” is quite similar to “being yourself.”
“Persistence” does not attract a woman; it’s who’s showing the persistence that attracts her…or not.
Another reason that women spread this Bullshit (Pardon my French) about persistence is because quite frankly, they enjoy being chased – unless it’s by the aforementioned “gross” guys, of course. Women are so fearful of men becoming enlightened and giving up on them and their nonsense that they feel obligated to propagate this gibberish about “being persistent” to any and every man who’ll listen. If all men stood up and accepted “being persistent” as the hot air that it is, women might be forced to take the initiative in romantic situations, and actually be honest about what they want. Oh, the HORROR!
If you’re feeling doubtful about my word on this one, I have a little experiment you can perform. The next time you talk to a (preferably single) girl you know, explain to her that there’s another girl you’re very attracted to, but that she doesn’t seem to feel the same way about you. If this friend of yours starts giving you advice, rest assured that she will encourage you to be persistent (in some form or another). When she tells you that, look at her and agree wholeheartedly, then say that it’s HER that you’re attracted to, and that you’re going to be persistent and keep trying until she accepts you as her one and only. That loud cranking sound you’ll hear will be your “friend” furiously backpeddling in an attempt to talk you out of your futile quest. And you may want to keep a crowbar handy to help her pry her foot from her mouth. Women don’t mind telling you to “be persistent” when they think they’re unleashing you on some other poor unsuspecting female. When the tables are turned on them however, Pillar #4 crumbles into dust.
My brothers, if a woman wants you, you won’t have to be persistent. Yes, she’ll play her games like we talked about, but ultimately she’ll make you completely aware that she covets your advances. If she doesn’t want you, her feelings will be made equally as clear, and your persistence, like your confidence, will make you even less desirable than you already are. Women are NOT obstacles to be overcome, like backyard sheds or bicycles. They are PEOPLE, with feelings and opinions, as shallow as they are. And the harder unattractive men push them, the harder women will push back. The best thing you’ll get out of “working hard” and “sticking to it” in this case is a 50-yard restraining order.
5. “Dance Like No One’s Looking.”
The fifth and final Pillar may not be quite as soul-pulverizing as the others, but it’s no less pervasive. Women may not phrase it precisely as it is above, but every man has heard it in one form or another.
The lie that women are attempting to perpetrate in this instance is that they care not about a man’s ability to dance well, but only about his willingness to dance at all. You hear that guys? When the music starts playing, just get out there on the floor and move. Don’t be concerned about being totally uncoordinated, ridiculously clumsy, or completely devoid of anything even remotely resembling Electric Boogaloo. Just dancing. Letting yourself go without fear of embarrassment. Having fun. That’s sexy. Guys, still your shaking pelvises; none of it is true.
Women enjoy dancing themselves, whether they’re proficient at it or not. Just wildly shaking their limbs to music is a pleasurable activity for them. But in men, they see dancing as much more than an entertaining pursuit. They see a man’s dancing ability as a direct manifestation of his sexual prowess. She assumes that the moves he makes on the dance floor are the ones he will make in the bedroom. It seems reasonable – rhythm, agility, flexibility, creativity and stamina are all seemingly desirable traits in the act of intercourse.
Women, read closely. A man’s sexual craft lies in his mind, not his body. He can be a dynamic, energetic dancer and still be lazy and lackadaisical in bed. He can have the most inventive moves in the club, and still be in a thick fog, or completely indifferent, about what to do with a woman’s body. Of course, this means nothing to you since physical attractiveness totally compensates for any lack of mental or emotional acumen, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when the next “hot” dancer you give yourself to ends up being limper than over-boiled spaghetti wrapped in a wet dishrag.
And here’s yet another shocking piece of information for the females: men – heterosexual men - do NOT enjoy dancing. The ONLY reason they do it is to impress women (and in the case of Craig, to amuse and tickle us all). Women can turn music on in their homes and dance by themselves all day. Women can dance together at slumber parties. In contrast, if you could go to a popular dance club on a Saturday night and somehow order every female out of the establishment simultaneously, any and all dancing would be GUARANTEED to stop at that moment. The men would stand around looking at each other, probably talking about leaving and going to a place with some women in it. The DJ would stop “spinning,” because, well, what would be the point in continuing?
Some straight men may indeed dance alone in their homes, but only to sharpen their skills for the opportunity to perform in front of ladies. That’s why the female theory of “good dancing = good sex” holds no water. Because once a man has used his dancing ability to get a girl, or girls, into bed, victory has already been obtained. The objective has been reached, and what he does after reaching his objective is really inconsequential. So if you ladies can find a good dancer that’s an equally good lover, good for you. But it’s far, far, FAR from assured.
Women tell men to “Dance Like No One’s Looking” because as usual, they’re only considering themselves when they speak. Lack of skill certainly doesn’t stop them from dancing and enjoying it. So they verbally project the same standards on men, and of course, their story changes completely when they’re forced to live up to their words.
Men without rhythm (and you know who you are), the masochists among you can put this Pillar to the test. Unleash your best moves, by yourself, at a crowded nightclub, then hold your breath until a girl dances with you. Unless you look really good in purplish-blue, I suggest you put a short time limit on the test.
But never forget – The Indisputable Truth shines through. If you’re physically attractive enough, you’ll be able to get yourself a girl despite your disco deficiencies. But keep in mind that you would’ve achieved the same success standing still, rather than humiliating yourself by dancing “Like No One’s Looking.”
So those are women’s Five Pillars of Bullshit (Pardon my French). I know the question on all of your minds at this moment has to be, “How the hell did you narrow it down to just five?” It was truly a difficult task, but well worth it. However, there is indeed another Pillar, and unfortunately it is cited by both women and men. If you’re a single man, there is one Pillar of Bullshit (Pardon my French) that has surely been thrust upon you by members of both sexes, and it’s the biggest one of all:
“She’s out there, man. Just keep looking. You’ll find her.”
Sound familiar? You know it does. Men and women ALWAYS use this one, usually to put an end to the conversation about why you’re still single after all this time, because they’re too polite to just say that it’s because you’re flat-out homely.
Yes, your girl is “out there.” Not “in this room” or “in this building.” And probably not “in this city or state.” But she’s “out there.” Somewhere. How TERRIBLY convenient. What these cliché-spitting knuckleheads are indirectly telling you is that there’s ONE girl on this whole Godforsaken planet that will find you attractive, and YOU have to go find her. And they’re trying to send you on your way so they can stop talking to you. Their words aren’t so comforting now, are they?
Men, if you indeed have a “soul mate” that’s “out there,” you won’t have to search for her. Go about your life and you’ll find each other. And if you don’t, you may just have to live with the fact that this dream girl is not “out there.” She’s not “in here.” She’s not anywhere. You will survive.
In closing at last, many of you have experienced these Pillars in your own lives. It’s reassuring to know you aren’t the only one who has suffered, is it not? Whenever women want to engage me in this debate, I allow it only if they agree not to reference the Five Pillars. Their urge to converse quickly ends. Try it for yourself, my brothers. And all you ladies out there, please do us all, including yourselves, a king-size service and come up with some new Bullshit (Pardon my French).
Thank you for reading, and be on the lookout for Chapter 3:
“A Man’s Got to Know His Limitations.”