Jan 4, 2007

The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 3

WARNING: This chapter is not peppered with the usual side-splitting hilarity that brightened up my previous entries. In fact, some men may find it downright depressing. But I’ve committed myself to telling The Indisputable TRUTH, not a candy-coated fairy tale that makes everyone happy. Just know that this is vital knowledge, and the sadness it may make you feel now is literally nothing in comparison to the sadness, suffering and torment you’ll feel in the future should you ignore it.

In the previous chapters of The Indisputable Truth, every piece of information worth having about the female gender was revealed and explained. There was, of course, The Indisputable Truth itself, and then women’s Five Pillars of Bullshit (Pardon my French).

In this episode, instead of instructing men about what to be wary of in the opposite sex, I warn them about what to be wary of in themselves. Yes brothers, we have our romantic and social flaws, and finding and eliminating them whenever possible will lead to more pleasurable and productive lives.

And there is no more appropriate way to title this chapter than to quote a man devoid of all such flaws: “Dirty” Harry Callahan (from the movie with the single greatest title ever committed to film: Mangum Force).

A Man’s Got to Know his Limitations

It’s been firmly established that women are drawn only to surface traits in men, but in fairness it must be said that men also look for physical attractiveness in the women they pursue. By no means is it as important to males as it is to females, and men aren’t nearly as dishonest about it, but all things being equal a man will choose a pretty girl over a less-than-pretty one. She doesn’t have to be jaw-droppingly gorgeous; it doesn’t matter if no other man on the planet finds her attractive. All that’s important to a man is if he likes the way she looks.

That being said, some men make the mistake of forgetting that last fact. For various reasons that are beyond explanation, they become delusional and begin to reach beyond their grasps – step outside their boundaries. It’s my aim to put a stop to that.

Every person on Earth is familiar with the term “league,” in one form or another. Many a sensible and realistic man has uttered the phrase, “She’s out of my league,” and many an honest (relatively) woman has stated, “He’s not in my league.” But unfortunately there are still thousands, perhaps millions of poor souls that don’t understand the meaning of these words. Some do understand, or at least they claim to, but don’t believe them.

Whether you want to believe it or not, my friends, leagues – groups of men and/or women divided by their respective abilities – do exist. In the world of sports, athletes are separated according to their talents (the gifts they’re born with) and skill (the ability that’s developed through training). There are the “major” leagues, the “minor” leagues, the professionals, the amateurs and so on. Minor leaguers are not talented and/or skilled enough to compete with or defeat the major leaguers; if they were they would be in the major leagues. If amateurs could play on the same level as professionals, they would be professionals themselves. The same concept applies to men pursuing women.

You see, the competition in the major leagues of sports is much more intense than that in the minor leagues. Quite literally, everyone is good at what they do. Men, when you think about approaching a beautiful woman, you must realize that the competition for her attention is going to be incredibly intense – not just in the sheer numbers, but in the quality of the men that desire her. And yes, I fully understand that I said in my first paragraph that all that matters to a man is what he finds attractive, but if you have one spoonful of gray matter and at least 14% of your vision in at least one eye, you should know if a girl is “hot” by normal human standards, and not just someone that only you would like, simply by looking at her.

Back to the lecture at hand. That gorgeous girl that you’re afraid to talk to is in a different, or more specifically, a higher league than you because of the competition that surrounds her. With all the good-looking, rich, successful men that are assuredly vying for her affections on a constant basis, you had better bring something very special to the game if you expect to be let on the court, or the field, or in the dugout, or even in the stands. Without that special something, the only outcome you should expect is a dominating shutout loss, personal and/or public humiliation, and possible serious injury. And if you don’t know what the “special something” is that women look for in men by now, you haven’t been paying nearly enough attention. A career flag football player cannot be dropped into the Super Bowl and expected to excel. It’s simply not realistic.

I know that all my readers are nodding their heads in agreement right now, but you’re probably wondering, “But SOG, how do I know what league I’m in?” It’s quite simple. It’s already been undeniably established that women cannot hide their feelings for men, correct? Females will always pursue the men they desire. And sadly, men will do the same with women they want. That will probably never change, despite the knowledge that I’ve spread in The Indisputable Truth. You can discover the league that you’re in by the competition (both quantity and quality) waged over your attention. If you have many women approaching/pursuing you, especially attractive women who are pursued by many men themselves, it’s safe to say that you may be a major leaguer, and can afford to be more selective about whom you choose. If you have very few, or no women pursuing you, you are mired in the little leagues, Pop Warner, or possible single-A.

When contemplating if a certain woman is in your league or not, deciphering the answer is just as simple. First, if you have to contemplate it, she’s probably out of your league. Second, a woman who is in your league is one who attracts roughly the same amount of men that you do women. If she’s more attractive to the opposite sex than you are, she’s a lost cause and you’d be best served to stay away from her. For the uninformed (as I once was, long, long ago), it may take years of painful trial and error to recognize different leagues and the players within them, but eventually a man should be able to see them on sight, and he’ll be a better man for it.

And yes it is possible, and sometimes advisable if you’re truly desperate, to date below your league, but never above it. An MLB batter can achieve a batting average of .900 – 1.000 against high school pitchers, when against other major leaguers an average of over .300 is great, and over .400 is almost unheard of.

Where sports leagues and social/romantic leagues differ is in the training. It is possible for minor league athletes to hone their talents and improve their skills with hard work, practice and copious amounts of steroids, then graduate to the major leagues. It happens regularly, as a matter of fact (although compared to the number of college students competing in sports, the number of those who actually turn professional is infinitesimal). In some cases super-talented athletes jump directly from high school into the professional ranks.

However, it is all but impossible to join the major social/romantic leagues if you’re not there already. A man can lose weight, or somehow come into a lot of money to increase his status a bit, but an unattractive guy is an unattractive guy (which is the subject of my next chapter), and for some of us NO amount of exercise will raise our attractiveness in the eyes of women, and it would take more money than we could ever make in our lifetimes to achieve that goal.

To make it perfectly clear to the celebrity-obsessed among you: when categorizing men, there are the Brad Pitts and aforementioned George Clooneys of this world – men who are universally attractive to women. You’d be hard pressed to find even one woman who doesn’t find these men desirable. If you do, she’s an anomaly and should probably be avoided for your own safety. These males are at the upper echelon, the highest level of desirability. Just below them are men who are very good-looking, but with a slightly higher number of females that may not be into them. Most men fall into the middle, with an equal amount of women desiring them as not. Some men however, fall near or at the bottom of this figurative scale – garnering virtually no interest from any female, anywhere. If you’re a man in this group (and it’s larger than you may think), you must admit it to yourself before embarking on the humiliating, hopeless and potentially dangerous mission of acquiring a girlfriend. Know your limitations, and only target women that are at your level of the scale, or in your league. And if you don’t want them, just keep your dignity remain alone.

Right now some of you must be thinking, “But SOG, I can’t possibly be as unattractive to women as that mentally impaired man who has to eat lunch wearing a bicycle helmet, or the 700-pound man who hasn’t left his bedroom in 12 years, right?” Yes, you ARE right. Technically you’re more attractive than them, but that doesn’t make you ATTRACTIVE. You may be at a higher level than them, but you’re still at the bottom of the scale, or in little league. Call it the “Tallest Midget in The Circus” classification.

SOGverb (as in “Proverb”): If a woman describes you as “not bad” looking, do not take it as a compliment. If you were “good” looking, she would say that. “Not Bad” = “Not Good.”

On an unfortunate closing note men, a woman doesn’t actually have to be out of your league to reject you. The only thing that matters is if she thinks she’s out of your league. She may not have men beating down her door on a daily basis, but if she looks at you and thinks “I can do better,” you’re not getting in that game. No way. But by NO MEANS let that break your spirit.

SOGverb (as in “Proverb”): Suicide is not an option.

While you may not be in the big leagues, you may be in a bigger league than you know if you open your eyes to the females that are pursuing you (remember, they’ll make it obvious) instead of chasing the ones that will never want you (which will be equally obvious). Again, if the pickings are too slim for your tastes, stay solo. A real man does not need to be validated by a woman or women, and I’ll expound upon that later. Until then, always keep Dirty Harry in mind, and play the games you were meant to play.

Coming soon - Chapter 4: “The Man Makes the Clothes” or “You Can’t Shine a Turd.”


Kings of Barry said...

awesome. i had to share it with 3 of my friends.

Anonymous said...

Games? This is separate and distinct from the idea of er... Game*?

* As in the kind you were arguing about previously?

BVA said...

Once again I find myself searching for something to argue and have come up empty. This chapter actually reiterates my long standing belief. "Tens do not mate with fives."

Tsuji Eriku said...

yeah buddy

Son of Gigan said...

Craig, the "game" and "games" I'm referring to in this chapter are simply clever metaphors for actual sporting competitions. "Game" - the kind that doesn't exist - will be discussed in detail in a future chapter.