Jun 13, 2007

The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 5 – Part 1

WARNING: I’m probably going to make a lot of enemies with this chapter. Men have been roaring in approval and agreement with The Indisputable Truth since Chapter 1, but this entry may go over about as well as a motivational speech from Heidi. I obliterated the fiction of women with my first assault, but throughout my journey I’ve been slowly chipping away at the fantasies of men as well. And unfortunately guys, this is where they go down in flames.

Because this chapter is very involved and I want you to give serious thought to each Myth (and also because it’s been about three years since I posted my last chapter and I need to get SOMETHING on this damn blog), I’ve broken it up into parts. Part 1 will probably be the most disputed, but if you read it slowly and carefully, you’ll see that I’m making perfect sense, just like I have been from the beginning.

The Myths of Man – EXPOSED!

Part 1. “Game”
The Undisputed (or is that Indisputable?), Undefeated Champion of Heinous Man-Myths. I’m sure you’ve all heard of it. Also known as “Mad Skillz, Yo,” “Game” (and it will never be mentioned by me without quotation marks) is a man’s alleged ability to convince females to become attracted to him using nothing but his personality. According to popular folklore, a man with “Game” can be physically underwhelming or financially destitute and still, literally, talk any or almost any woman into finding him desirable. Yes, a man with “Game” can talk a woman into going out with him, coming home with him, or doing pretty much anything, including things that she didn’t plan or want to do before they met.

The myth of “Game” has been infecting the consciousness of men for centuries, clouding their judgment and leading them to emotional ruin. And yes, there are plenty of men throughout history who have thoroughly believed in “Game,” and have been very successful with women.

Case in point: one of my more delusional coworkers (and there are quite a few) who is quite a hit with the ladies and is positively certain that it’s due to his level of “Game,” recently explained to me his foolproof system for getting girls to accompany him to his apartment.

His system? Cooking. He would brag about the fact that he knew how to prepare food to “unsuspecting” females, leading them to question his culinary skills, which would give him the opportunity to “challenge” them to return to his home with him so he could prove his boasts true, and subsequently have his way with them. This ploy would fall under the envelope of “Game.” Sounds sensible enough.

My friends, let’s think about this situation for a moment. Try to put yourselves in the heads of these young women my coworker was “cooking” for. Can you honestly believe that his only intention in asking you home is to show you what a quality chef he is? Honestly? And does anyone honestly believe that these girls didn’t know what he was planning? This may sound strange coming from me, but no woman is that thickheaded.

Before any aspiring foodies out there try to emulate my coworker’s approach, let me save you a little time, a little energy and a lot of embarrassment.

Any girl that went to his apartment had made her decision before he launched into his “cooking” spiel. She saw him, deemed him attractive, and just waited for the invitation. Of course, as discussed in Chapter 2, girls absolutely must play their mind games before getting down to the brass tacks. The invitation had to be phrased as an indirect, “sly,” yet oh-so-obvious inquiry. Anything other than “Do you want to accompany me to my residence and have intercourse?” would’ve worked (although that may have worked as well).

My coworker could’ve said, “I have a stamp collection at home; you want to come over and see it?” And she would’ve been walking out the door with him. Conversely, an unattractive man could be Bobby F’N Flay in the kitchen and there is STILL no chance of him convincing a female to come home so he can confirm his abilities to her.

Again, put yourselves in the female mind. If you had to, what would you rather tell people, and yourself, the morning after a tryst with my coworker: “He said he could cook for me and I wanted him to prove it, one thing led to another, and we ended up in bed,” or “I knew this guy for about an hour, and he asked me back to his place to have sex with him and I said yes.” Women need excuses, even incredibly transparent ones like “cooking,” to keep themselves from looking and feeling “easy.” The excuse can be weaker than Freefall Jones’s bench press; a handsome man just has to say something, anything and she’ll be open to it. And an unattractive man literally can’t say anything to evoke the same reaction.

The fact that “Game” only works for men that are attractive proves once and for all that “Game” is nothing more than a Myth of Man.

Come back soon (within the next three years, at least) to see me expose the next Myth of Man in Part 2: ‘C-Blocking.”

11 comments:

Langdon Alger said...

so the cute chick at work who said she'd come over and wash my car cuz she thinks washing cars is "fun" really doesn't want to just wash my car?!!

Langdon Alger said...

oh and Larry from Three's Company HAD GAME..I think he may be the only person in the history of man who had game..him and Clint Howard

Freefall Jones said...

Wait -- so all those times you came over...that wasn't for my cooking???

Son of Gigan said...

Alger, Larry Dallas was a stallion of a man bedecked in stylish, multicolored clothes and expensive medallions. WHY on Earth would such a man need "Game?"

Son of Gigan said...

Jones, do you remember me asking you to cook ANYTHING whenever we got back to your place? WISE UP!!!

Freefall Jones said...

...your hooks have become much colder...

(single tear)

Tsuji Eriku said...

Tsuji's intentacle Truth About Wimmin

"If you are in the presence of a woman that you fancy but are unsure of her feelings toward you simply whip out your penis. If she runs away screaming she hates you, if she stays she loves you."

The end.

Langdon Alger said...

words to live by...

Tsuji Eriku said...

man when are we gonna play some xbox live?

Craig said...

fkjgjkglkjjdglk

Freefall Jones said...

You fools need to get Pac-Man Championship Edition on XBL -- I shit you not, that game is awesome. I can't explain it, but they somehow made it awesome.