Feb 25, 2007

The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 4

WARNING: All right students, recess is over. We’ve all had a lot of fun in the last month butchering the romantic reputation of one of our own and forcing him into self-imposed exile. The lesson he learned was a harsh, but necessary one. Alas, life experience must be supplemented with formal teaching to gain true knowledge, so it’s back to class. Much like my last chapter, this one may be unsettling to men. So those of the Y-chromosome must clear their minds before reading on, as it may crush those with delusions of grandeur.

Before getting into the proverbial meat ‘n potatoes of this chapter, I want to start off with a few visual aids – sort of a full-color Rorschach test (that’s the one where a psychiatrist shows the patient inkblots, and I’m SURE many of my readers are familiar with it). Please look at the images carefully and think about what you see.

Study this young man. See the impeccably straight bill of his baseball cap, the shimmering, expensive jewelry in his ear and of course, that menacing sneer. Are you intimidated?

Here we have our very own Langdon Alger.* His facial expression is not nearly as fierce as the previous subject’s, but it’s more than compensated by his urban headwear and “East Coast/Side” gang sign, a clear symbol of a hard upbringing and take-no-prisoners attitude. You wouldn’t want to run into this guy in a dark alley, would you?
*May or may not be Langdon Alger.

Not to be outdone by his fellow YODC contributor, it’s Freefall Jones.* Here he proudly “represents” his rough street background with braided hair, not one, but TWO gang signs and a luxury car behind him that might even be his. With his anti-establishment, F Tha Police mentality, women want him and men want to BE him. Right?
*This most definitely is Freefall Jones.

Now take a look at these gentlemen. Their fashion sense is clearly similar to the others’. Their baseball caps are turned to the side and have arrow-straight bills. They’re wearing large amounts of loud, flashy jewelry. One of them even has headwear like Langdon’s.

Quiz: what’s the difference between the men in this fourth image and the ones in the first three? Your choices are:

A. The first three homies got it goin’ on.

B. The bruvas in the forf picture is a little bit harder.

C. They’s all lookin’ straight gangsta to me, yo.

Answer: if you chose any of the above, you’re completely wrong (and your English is terrible). The correct response is: The men in image #4 are exactly 400 trillion times more intimidating than the previous three.

But why, you ask? They seem to be cut from the same cloth. Well, my faithful SOGamaniacs, the answer just happens to be the title of this chapter.

The Man Makes the Clothes or - You Can’t Shine a Turd.

The statement is quite simple; wearing stylish garments does not guarantee that a man will look stylish. The “men” in the first three photos are all striving to project a very particular image – a threatening one, a dangerous one. Yet they are all roughly as threatening as a baby in a beaver suit.

Those in the fourth photo are attempting to project the same image, and if a sensible human being saw them coming, that human being would not only cross the street, he or she would cross the state line, head for the nearest airport and board a one-way flight to the other side of the country.

All too often men make the mistake of trying to emulate other men. They see a male who’s successful in attracting females and think, “If I wear the same kinds of clothes he does, or get the same haircut, or behave like he does, women will react to me the same way!”

But this sad delusion goes far deeper than simple accoutrement. Because the fact is that The Man makes much more than just the clothes. The Man makes everything that women claim to find desirable. Chapter 1 of The Indisputable Truth already outlined in detail what ladies look for in men. Chapter 2 revealed what they don’t look for despite claiming the exact opposite. The fact of the matter is, the two go hand-in-hand.

Guys, have you ever been in a social setting, or any setting for that matter, and noticed that when a good-looking man tells a joke, all the women within earshot laugh? No matter how poorly timed, tasteless, inappropriate, unimaginative or flat out unfunny the joke may be, the girls will laugh. Guaranteed. Can you recall seeing a handsome man completely enrapture women with stories about nothing particularly memorable? You know you can. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the traits women allege to seek out: confidence, sense of humor, intelligence, honesty, kindness, etc, just happen to be carried in great amounts by physically attractive men?

One sentence proves my point beyond all doubt: Women think Brad Pitt is a good actor. I repeat, women think Brad Pitt is a good actor. They really believe it, when it is an undeniable, not to mention clinically provable fact that Mr. Pitt couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag with a hole in it. If you possessed the same level of ability at your job as Brad Pitt does at his, you’d be more fired than Tsuji Eriku.

Tom Hanks is a magnificent actor, and not an unattractive man by any stretch of the imagination. But the truth is if Brad Pitt looked like Tom Hanks, he wouldn’t be a Hollywood leading man, he wouldn’t be making tens of millions of dollars for his services, and he wouldn’t be fouling Angelina Jolie with his talentless seed. He’d be living with his parents, watching porn and posting to this blog. Brad Pitt’s one and only “skill” is being remarkably handsome. But don’t point that out to women. They’ll refer to Pitt’s razor-sharp comic timing in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” or his commanding presence in “Troy.” They’ll deem “Legends of The Fall” an “epic,” when in reality the movie should’ve been titled “Brad Pitt with Long Hair and Riding a Horse,” because there was really nothing else happening in that puddle of cinematic cat urine. Of course, these women will always end their defenses of these stinkbombs with something equivalent of “He was SOOOOO hot.”

There’s nothing wrong with watching a film or television show to see a physically attractive star. Langdon Alger’s infatuation with Jessica Alba crossed the border of being disturbing long ago. And though his obsession has reached the point where we should all be concerned for young Jessica’s well-being, even he can admit that if roles were cast based solely on acting ability, Jessica Alba wouldn’t make it into a Manny Pacquiao movie. I don’t remember ever hearing Alger refer to “Honey,” “Idle Hands,” or “Fantastic Four” as “epic,” although is self-stimulation sessions after seeing them probably were.

Like The Clothes, The Man makes The Talent as well. In women’s eyes, a handsome man on the silver screen is automatically a skilled actor. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking permeates real life. Women want a good sense of humor? The handsome man is automatically funny. Intelligence? The handsome man automatically has brainpower in excess. Charm? Charisma? The handsome man automatically has it all. This explains why his banal, pedestrian attempts at humor draw hysterical laughter from women, while your clever, witty quips make them go coldly silent, or stare at you as if they want to pull out your vocal chords with a staple decleater.

Men, we’ve all encountered many other men who were horrible human beings, yet had no difficulty attracting the opposite sex. These men are surly, dishonest, disrespectful and sometimes even abusive toward women, yet the females continue to line up for their attention. And when we ask these ladies what they see in these guys, the answer is always the same: “He’s misunderstood. The person you see is not the person he really is. He’s a good person on the inside.” Meanwhile, you’re a good person on the outside and the inside, and your genitals are slowly disappearing, natural selection evolving them right out of existence for their lack of use.

The bottom line is this: in the minds of women, good outside (appearance) equals good inside (personality). It is not the man’s behavior that a woman responds positively or negatively to; it is the man himself. If a girl likes what she sees she will, consciously or subconsciously, seek out and ultimately find the personality traits she claims to desire. She really will believe that the handsome man is funny and intelligent, that the abusive handsome man is a “good person on the inside,” and that Brad Pitt is a talented actor. Conversely, if a man’s appearance doesn’t impress her, she will somehow find in him all the character aspects that she says turn her off. It’s sort of a self-defense mechanism to keep them from looking and feeling less shallow than they really are. After all, what sounds more substantive to you: “We have nothing in common,” or “I don’t want to talk to that guy because he’s ugly”?

Although more proof of this chapter’s point is not necessary, I want to provide one more example. This one involves the aforementioned Ms. Alba. As you may or may not know, Jessica is engaged to a gentleman named Cash Warren, and by all accounts the relationship is a happy one. How did this man get one of the most beautiful, sought-after women in the world to fall in love with him? What is it about him that makes her swoon? Heck, how did he even get her to speak to him? What did he do to “break the ice,” so to speak? She explained in an issue of People magazine last year:

“He approached me and gave me a love letter, and he signed his name with a dollar sign – because his name’s Cash.”

You read that correctly. I’m not making this up. He signed his name with a dollar sign. WHAT KIND OF TACKY, NEANDERTHALOID MENTAL MIDGET SIGNS HIS NAME WITH A DOLLAR SIGN??? Ahem…allow me to compose myself. Ever the investigative journalist, I’ve managed to obtain a copy of this love letter. And in all fairness, it’s easy to see why Jessica’s heart was set aflutter by this marvel of romantic composition:
That’s it guys; that’s all it took. Any one of us could’ve won Jessica Alba’s love if only we had the charm and wit to sign our names with dollar signs. I have to hand it to Mr. Warren (soon to be Mr. Alba); I never would’ve thought of that one. Oh by the way, does anyone think that Jessica may have found this magical love letter more alluring because it came from a very handsome man? No, that couldn’t be it. Please men, start including dollar signs or other clever symbols in your signatures and the beautiful women are SURE to be aroused, no matter what you look like.

I’ll close chapter 4 with a bit of advice. Remember the second part of the chapter title – a turd that’s been polished with even the most powerful varnish will never cease being a piece of fecal matter. As the subjects of our first three photographs show in graphic detail, wearing certain kinds of clothes or acting a certain way (and I stress the word acting) will not change who you really are or how you appear to women. An ugly man is an ugly man, with precious few exceptions (which will be covered in the near future). However, don’t by any means look in the mirror and think, “I’m a turd! There’s nothing I can do to attract women!” You may indeed be a turd, and if that’s so there is indeed nothing you can do about it, but it’s not up to you to determine your turdliness. By their actions, women will make you well aware of how much of a turd you are or are not. Your opinion of yourself has literally no bearing. Buying clothes or behaving in ways solely intended to impress females will not help or hurt your circumstances; they’ll just strip you of your dignity. Don’t worry men – you’re not going insane. That abusive chick magnet that you know is not a “good person on the inside.” He’s just as much of a slimeball as you think he is. The handsome man’s jokes that leave girls in stitches are just as puerile and unfunny as they sound, maybe even more so.
Your jokes are witty and your personality is interesting. Don’t let women tell you what is charming or clever, because they quite frankly have no idea. To put it all in microcosm, good-looking men can get away with anything, including abuse, humorlessness, unfaithfulness and signing their names with dollar signs. Unless you’re one of them, these actions will only lead to personal and romantic ruin. And that’s jus’ keepin’ it real, paht-nas.

-$on of Gigan

Be on the lookout for Chapter 5: "The Myths of Man - EXPOSED!"


Langdon Alger said...

as much as I love Jessica Alba..I've only watched one of her movies..Idle Hands..and thats only because it was on basic cable..and let me tell you..my hands sure weren't idle during the scene where she's all tied up only wearing her bra and panties...woohoo!!

Tsuji Eriku said...

Jesus H Crist I almost spit my Mountain Dew all over Wonton's laptop reading this. The hits keep on coming.

Son of Gigan said...

How was Jessica's acting in that one, Alger? And are you throwing up a gang sign right now?

Langdon Alger said...


Kings of Barry said...

i liked her in never been kissed. she didn't do much in the film. but she dressed up as barbie. YAY