Jul 25, 2009

The Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame Induction II

The inaugural Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame induction ceremony shook the World Wide Web to its very foundation. The unparalleled response it generated (THIRTEEN responses!) devoured all that bandwidth in its path (kind of like Unicron, but with bandwidth), sending Blogger.com into a tailspin from which it is only now, over THREE YEARS LATER, recovering. Millions of naive souls simultaneously discovering the truth about what a REAL MAN is will have that effect. The first Hall of Fame class consisted of the following pillars of beefcake:

1. The Transporter
2. Carrot Top
3. Conway Twitty
4. Frankenstein
5. Chong Li

Now, after intense deliberation, the second round of inductees has at last been decided. Webmasters, prepare for the tidal wave. And my loyal fans and testosterone enthusiasts, get on your feet in awe and appreciation for the July 2009 class of the Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame.


As if carrying a staff with a severed head of a ram that he probably decapitated himself on it wasn't manly enough to get him in, Skeletor is inducted because he is obviously as dedicated to adding massive slabs of muscle to his mighty blue frame as he is to becoming supreme rule of Eternia. In our tragically un-He-Man-centric society, the name "Skeletor" is often used to describe overly skinny people - "You've lost so much weight! You look like Skeletor!" "Hey Skeletor, you need to eat something!" In reality, these pitiful pencil-necks only WISH they looked like Skeletor. The only thing they could possibly share with him is his disturbingly high-pitched voice. But the fact that he Skeletor sounds more like Inspector Gadget with his nuts trapped in his go-go-Gadget vice grips than The Evil Lord of Destruction that he is doesn't detract from his awe-inspiring hugeness. And who needs to unlock the secrets of Castle Grayskull when he's already unlocked the secret of getting his body jacked beyond belief while maintaining razor-thin leanness in his face? In fact, unless the mysterious prize behind Grayskull's drawbridge is a lifetime stash of superhuman protein shakes, Skeletor would be best served giving up his quest to conquer it and take up permanent residence with his brothers in the Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame.


Screw all those politicians from the 80s, THIS is the man who won The Cold War. And he did it by kicking, flipping and flaring his way across the hostile country of Parmistan in order to establish a US satellite monitoring system that would warn our government of any future missile attacks from space. Okay, I admit that I'm kind of confused by that last sentence. And I'm still having trouble finding Parmistan on a map. But hey, have YOU been hit with any space missiles since Gymkata took care of business? 'Nuff said. Even before his heroic service to the USA, Gymkata achieved REAL MAN status by singlehandedly sucking the gayness out of gymnastics by applying it to dislodging brainstems instead of winning faggy medals. In his greatest display of ass-kickitude, Gymkata beat down an entire village of homicidal maniacs using nothing but his skills and such everyday, about-town items as a pommel horse and a high bar. If the Olympics ever institutes events for severing spinal cords, scrambling neurons, crushing spleens and cracking jawbones, and we all hope they do, this REAL MAN will place at the top of the podium in every one.
Not a pommel horse - A PUMMEL HORSE

Kool Moe Dee

You want to know his occupation? He gets paid to rock the nation. As you all know, when it comes to hip hop, SOG is all about the Old Skool. Unlike da sucka MCs of today, Old Skool rappers were true multitaskers. No rapper that ever touched a microphone after 1989 could replicate Kool Moe Dee's feat of infiltrating the castle of the nefarious Dr. Yo while spitting super dope funky fresh lyrics like "After I have ya I have to slap ya senseless with endless rhymes don't pretend this is anything short of stupendous" and "This time a native New Yorker's riding a crescendo wave to save the mental state of the fan so he can understand my pencil." That's right; he used the words "stupendous" AND "crescendo." Better yet, his mad flow doesn't even get interrupted while he does battle with a ninja posse or a rock-throwing cyborg. Kool Moe Dee is so adept he defeats one ninja apparently by just turning his back, and beats the cyborg by...well...the ending's kind of ambiguous but I'm sure he won. Just as he would win a freestyle battle with any so-called-artist this decade without fogging up his Porsche 5620s. Any CEO who wants his company to thrive should require every employee to listen to "I Go to Work" at the beginning of each day. Productivity will be guaranteed to increase by at least 6000%.

Urge to go to work...rising...

What could be more BADASS than the legendary Norse god of thunder? THE LEGENDARY NORSE GOD OF THUNDER WITH AN F’N MACHINE GUN THAT’S WHAT. When Mjolnir just won’t get the job done, Thor takes a more modern approach to disposing of his enemies - mowing them down with a hail of bullets. If that wasn't enough, when he isn't battling Loki, chiseling his pectorals or shining his codpiece, this inductee is shaking the heavens with timeless hard rock anthems. Personally, I can't think of a more MANLY activity than cruising the streets in your sweet Trans Am while blasting classic Thor albums like Rock Warrior, Keep the Dogs Away and Beastwomen from The Center of the Earth. A long-haired, AK-47 toting, weightlifting heavy metal singer from Asgard? Thor just might have a wing named after him in the Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame. Until it's constructed, you can get your Thor fix at ThorCentral.com.


Mark this down and don't forget it: no one, NO ONE, can pull off the thumbs-in-the-tool belt pose like this swarthy superintendant. In fact, there are a lot of things Schneider can do that normal "men" can't. Like making all manner of household repairs and revving the engine of the lusty Ms. Romano, all while acting as a father figure to her two daughters – hot, jiggly jailbate Barbara and bucktoothed cokehead Julie. In a perfectly MANLY world, everyone with a Y chromosome would have a form-fitting denim vest and bellbottoms in his wardrobe, and a moustache on his face. Alas, only some of us do. Sigh…

Let's bang our meaty fists together in salute to this class of the SOGRMHOF. And let's hope it won't take another three years to uncover enough REAL MEN to make a decent induction ceremony. But choosing the members of the prestigious Hall can't be done haphazardly. Entry criteria is so strict that it makes MENSA look like your local YMCA or whatever college Freefall Jones went to. But no one can deny the credentials of this group of Thoroughbreds. Follow their example faithfully, and one day you may find yourself being inducted into the Son of Gigan REAL MAN Hall of Fame. Ah, who am I kidding? You'll never get in.


Langdimus Prime said...

FINALLY someone recognizes Schneider's greatness

Craig said...

LOls . That 1 guy is almost like a punctuation rapper using dot/comma/whatever instead of rhymes, it's cool it works.

Freefall Jones said...

To DIGG this story: http://digg.com/celebrity/The_REAL_MAN_Hall_of_Fame_Induction_II

mcruz927 said...

I like how at the end of "I Go To Work" there's a "Coming Soon" label even though we just saw the entire story.