Jan 2, 2008

The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 5 – Part 3

WARNING: Men, unlike the previous chapter, this one isn’t aimed at you. This chapter is pointed straight at your friends. Your pals. Your buds. Your bruthas. Your homies. Again, it’s something you may not want to hear, but you must. And if you have any friends at all, it may cause you to sever your ties with them. It’s a small price to pay for The Indisputable Truth.

This has been the longest break from my masterwork I’ve ever taken. My life has taken many twists and turns since my last chapter, and I felt the need to take a sabbatical and recharge my power cell before going back on the attack. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that my stance has softened. If anything, I feel more strongly about this subject than ever. The third of Myth of Man about to be obliterated is something near and dear to the male heart, so it is with some hesitation that I drive an adamantium stake straight through it.

3. “The Wingman”
The Wingman (a friend/companion that accompanies a man on his mission to achieve intercourse) is intended to serve multiple purposes. Probably the most important one is simply making his friend feel at ease with approaching women. It’s far easier to be charming when someone with whom you have an existing rapport is by your side. You can relax. You can joke. You can be yourself (but remember what we’ve said about that).

Another objective of The Wingman is to make the target more comfortable. For some reason yet to be discovered by even the most accomplished psychologists, women get unnerved when they’re hit on in environments like night clubs and singles bars, WHERE THEY KNOW THEY’RE GOING TO GET HIT ON. They travel to these places in order to meet men, but when a woman is approached by one, she thinks “Oh no…he’s hitting on me…” and her defense shields get activated. And yet, for another heretofore unexplained reason, being approached by two men or more eases her tension and discomfort. The best thinking behind this reaction that a sensible human being can piece together is that the female thinks that a conversation between three more people is not a sexual/romantic come on; it’s a social congregation. She feels less like a target and more like part of a group. She’s conversing with two or more people that are there to enjoy each other’s company and just decided to invite her in. And if she should pursue any kind of relationship with one or more of the men in the group, it’s something that happened “naturally” and not the result of a plot to “score” with her.

Finally, The Wingman may provide very tangible and technical assistance to his friend, such as introducing him to his target, singing his praises to impress her so he doesn’t have to brag about himself (maybe even while pretending not to know him), or perhaps collaborating with him on any elaborate jokes or magic tricks he wants to perform.

As usual with Myths of Man, this one seems perfectly logical. And it would work just fine if we were dealing with people that weren’t chemically imbalanced. Yes, your Wingman may make you feel more comfortable when speaking to a girl, but your comfort level has nothing to do with your attractiveness to her. If she finds you physically appealing, she will make you feel more comfortable by laughing at your jokes, paying close attention to everything you say and generally being attentive. Remember, as I said in the last chapter, a woman will fix her attention on the man that has the surface traits that she wants. The better looking guy will just happen to be the more charming, interesting guy. If you’re that guy, then your Wingman will just get in the way. If your “Wing” is that guy, then you know where you’ll be. If she finds you both unattractive, then having two of you in front of her is not going to make her any more aroused. It’s basic mathematics: 2 x 0 still equals 0. In fact, the number of physically unappealing men trying to interact with her will just double or triple a woman’s discomfort.

In the instance that you’re handsome and your Wingman is not, he may even damage your cause if your target believes that she has to entertain him as well as you, or that her friend will have to spend time with him as she and you get to know each other. Depending on her options (her attractiveness and the number of attractive men around her), she will most likely move on to another handsome man that doesn’t come with the less-handsome baggage.

The concept of The Wingman evolved into what it is today out of men’s desperate need to feel responsibility in the courting process. Even if a man doesn’t have success with women himself, he still wants to believe that he had a hand in someone else’s success. In the male psyche, the opportunity to say “I got my buddy laid,” or “I helped him get her” is a perverse point of pride. It’s like being part of a winning team. Only in this game, there’s no trophy that every teammate gets to keep for a week, there’s no pay increase for being on the triumphant squad, there’s no shared glory. Only one man wins. Think about that one of your “friends” asks you to be his Wingman.

As you can probably tell, it’s not the existence of The Wingman that’s a Myth of Man, technically. Men have been trying to assist each other in the pursuit of love/sex for centuries. It’s the idea that The Wingman actually helps that’s complete fallacy. Adding a Wingman can only be a detriment to your cause.

If you’re the good-looking one, The Wingman will be nothing more than a fifth wheel, adding unnecessary conversation that your target will ignore. And as stated, he may even cause her to look elsewhere. If he’s a good friend of yours, and you’re a half-decent human being, you’ll be concerned with his feelings after you leave him alone to be with a girl that’s only interested in you.

If he’s the good-looking one, he will draw all her attention from you even if he’s trying to help. And you will feel a whole new level of Freefall Jones-esque inadequacy as he and the girl(s) you’re attracted to make you shrink into social nothingness.

Never forget: the woman will choose, on sight, the man/men she wants to spend time with, and discard the ones she doesn’t. She’ll blow Wingmen out of the sky before they even have a chance to get in formation, and let her preferred pilot live to fly again.

But don’t, by any means, take this as an order to abandon your friends and only go out alone. You should attend social events with your comrades. They make (or at least they should make) everything more enjoyable. But do it because you enjoy their company, not because they’re going to improve your status in any way. Don’t use them as tools to get you where you want to be with women. First, it’s seedy and dishonest, and second, it DOESN’T WORK.

If you consider yourself a good Wingman, I’ve hated to be the one to shatter your delusions of grandeur…nah, not really. You need to face reality and give your friend(s) more credit for being attractive. If and/or when you’re day arrives, it won’t be because of who’s flying beside you. It will be because you had a better plane than anyone else.

This is almost getting too easy, but despite the lack of challenge I’ll be back for Part 4, to crush the life out of “Platonic Friends.”


Tsuji Eriku said...

part 4 please thank you

CJ Marsicano said...

This doesn't apply to me. I've had the same g/f since 2004 and as of 12.24.07 we're engaged. :D

Son of Gigan said...

Congrats, CJ. Please don't tell you had a Wingman to assist with the proposal.