Jun 23, 2008

The Indisputable Truth about Women, “Romance” and why you will never ever get a girlfriend. Chapter 5 – Part 5

WARNING: Hmmm…there’s really nothing to warn you about here. But that’s no reason to stray from tradition, is it?

This final Myth of Man is one that cuts me deeply. Almost as deeply as the stench of Freefall Jones after he’s stood in the sun for 15 minutes. Because it’s one of the building blocks behind The Indisputable Truth. For years I’ve pondered its meaning. Is it truthful? What causes people to perpetuate it? After years of intense deliberation, I’ve dissected it and found it to be one of the most insulting, degrading, and baseless insults a human being can deliver.

5. “Neediness”

Like all the other Myths of Man, it is not the existence of Neediness that’s false; it’s people’s use of it that has become completely skewed. The definition of Neediness according to the American Heritage dictionary is as follows:

  1. Being in need; impoverished.
  2. Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree.

It’s obviously the second definition we want to focus on here, but the first one needs to be kept in mind. I’m guessing if you haven’t been referred to as “needy” in your lifetime, you’ve heard the term used in a relationship context before (“clingy” or “stalking” are other variations of it). And what does it mean? If you’re a man, it means that you’re devoted to a girl and want to spend time with her to the point of being extremely irritating. Here are two recent examples of the term being used from my own workplace:

A) A single female coworker of mine (who is in her mid-30s) was telling me about a man she met online. I asked her how the relationship, which was still in the phone call-only stage, was proceeding and what this man was like. Her response – “He’s nice. What I like about him is that he’s not needy; we only have to talk on the phone once a week.”

B) A male coworker (in his early 30s) was telling me about a very attractive young girl that he had been dating for roughly two weeks (and yes, everyone at work comes to me when they want to discuss their relationships). He was going on about how gorgeous she was and what a great body she had. I jokingly said, “So you’re only calling her three times a day, right?” He quite vehemently replied “No. I don’t call her. I haven’t called her one time. I don’t want to act all needy. So I might text her, but I don’t call her.”

So what is to be learned from my coworkers? Yes, if you want to speak to a girl on the phone more than once a week, or at all for that matter, you’re a needy man. If you’re thinking about calling that special girl tonight and it hasn’t been more than a week, ABORT YOUR PLAN. If you’re on the phone with her right now, HANG UP DAMN IT! You’re entering the land of neediness!

Okay, these examples are extreme, but they do illustrate a point. The two coworkers I referenced are about as different from each other in personality as two human beings can be, and I gave their ages to show that they are not immature, inexperienced children. The point to be found is that the insipid word, Neediness, has become a complete monster. It’s gotten to the point that two full-grown adults are throwing it around at the thought of speaking on the phone. And the chief commonality here is that it’s the MAN who has to avoid being needy.

My female coworker was ready to lose interest in her online friend if he phoned her twice. My male coworker stopped himself from calling a girl he was clearly smitten with because of his fear of being needy. Women have gotten men so defensive about appearing clingy that men are fighting their natural emotions and stifling their feelings.

Yes, excessive contact can become annoying and sometimes frightening to a woman. But what is excessive? The aforementioned “calling three times a day” would probably qualify. But twice in a week? That’s what men have to deal with in this day and age.

The worst part of the Myth of Neediness is that when a girl uses it to describe a man, she’s doing so much more than just saying “he wants to spend more time together than I’d like to.” Look at definition #1 from the American Heritage Dictionary. It says impoverished. As in poor. Wanting. Like a hobo. A bum. Women look at men that actually want to spend time with them as desperate, guilty of the unforgivable sin of not having other romantic options. Unfortunately, men have bought into the belief that trying to be a gentleman, or being up front and not playing mind games (hey, you gave me your number, so I’m going to use it to CALL YOU! What a concept!) makes a guy some kind of weakling or “wussy.”

Listen ladies - maybe that guy is calling you not because he needs to talk to you, but because he wants to. Maybe he simply enjoys conversing with you. Maybe he bought you that gift because he thinks it would make you happy, and making you happy makes him happy. It has nothing to do with being weak or being devoid of options. The female chemical imbalance that we established in Chapter 1 creates women like my coworker, who considers calling more than once weekly a form of Neediness. Instead of blaming her ridiculous judgment on her own insanity, she blames the man and diminishes him for being “needy.” It needs to stop, but since women will most likely never stop being insane, men need to wise up and stop playing into it.

Men, never lose sight of the truth: if a woman is attracted to you, she will display that to you. But don’t feel ashamed to return her affections. While it’s probably suitable to wait a day or two after getting her phone number before calling her (although she’ll probably call you first), don’t think that acting on your desire to contact her or make her happy makes you weak in any way. Treating a woman nicely and with respect doesn’t mean you are needy, despite what women (and some men) believe and want you to believe. If a girl should leave you because of your “neediness,” she is the one with the character flaw, not you. She will never admit that she is at fault, so she’ll have to emasculate you. Again, her flaw, not yours.

So, the postscript on my two coworkers?

A) My female coworker soon broke off her fledgling relationship with that particular man. Perhaps he had the audacity to phone her twice within seven days. She ended up seriously dating another man for about a month, before he cut off contact with her. She called him frequently with no response for over a month. He finally called her to tell her that he wasn’t ready for the “pressure of being a boyfriend,” and that they needed to “take a break.” She’s still waiting for the break to be over.

B) My male coworker dated his beautiful girlfriend for several weeks, constantly talking about her and showing pictures of her to all of us at work, before she unexpectedly gave him the “let’s just be friends” speech after returning from a family vacation. Keeping true to female form, she stopped speaking to him altogether and they are no longer friends. The life was crushed out of him temporarily, but he’s back on the prowl, and hopefully not being “needy” enough to actually call any women.

So Chapter 5 finally comes to an end. The Myths of Man have been exposed and smashed into dust. And what are they, again?

1. Game
2. C-blocking
3. The Wingman
4. Platonic Friends
5. Neediness

Remember them. Write them down. Tattoo them across your knuckles if you have to, but never lose sight of them. The further you get away from them, the closer you will be to achieving complete manhood.

But why do men create such destructive myths? It comes from the male’s intense need to feel that he has control of romantic/sexual/courtship situations. Rather than admit that he’s completely at the mercy of women, he develops ghosts like “Game” and “The Wingman” to stand by his side and give him confidence. “Am I just plain lucky to be better looking than other guys? Nope, I have Game.” “Were my buddy and I just in the right place at the right time? Nope, he was my Wingman and we worked together to get laid.” “Hey, she dumped me because of my Neediness, not my physical unattractiveness, so if I get rid of the Neediness, women will like me!” Please, for your own sake, drop the Myths and embrace reality. And don’t start tomorrow. Start now.

Believe it or not, The Indisputable Truth is in its home stretch. But the next entry may turn it upside down. Come back soon for Chapter 6: “EXCEPTIONS to The Indisputable Truth (No Way!).”

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